I dumped my blind girlfriend of 2 years by text message.
She didnt seeing it coming.

Just bought some vacant land. Not sure how much it is, but I know it's a lot

Arabia's got talent.
Their performances will blow you away.

Why did Ian Paisley carry a pushbike under his arm?
He was holding a Raleigh

Modesty is a very attractive quality.
One that I don't need.

Oxy-moron: Someone who abuses their right to breathe oxygen eg. Katie Price

"It aint over till the fat lady sings"
I take it whoever coined that phrase was at a Kerry Katona book signing.

My friend tried to explain to me what 'aposeopesis' is, but unfortunately he...

Just watched "Big Meets Bigger" it was on 4+1

A girl came into the shop I work in today and didn't know which chocolate bar she wanted.
So I started sweet-talking her.

I worry about the current rate of inflation. I'm not sure my blow up doll can take much more!

I feel a bit sorry for Pete Tong. He can never get anything right.

I left my wife because she had a balance disorder...
I just couldn't stand her

I went on a castle exhibition the other day,
but it wasn't really my forte.

I'm a geologist, it rocks.

Corks
They like to keep things bottled up

A milk jug says to a sugar bowl "Hey, shall we see which one of us can hold the most coffee?"
And the sugar bowl says "No way mate, that's a mug's game".

Today I unleashed the dogs

I pulled this girl last night who was obssessed with nuts.
All I got was a pecan the cheek.

Hear about the actor that fell through the floor?
It was just a stage he was going through.

I'm having the best holiday ever in Ireland.
I'm walking on Eire.

I fed the cat dog food yesterday...
... woke up this morning and he looked a bit Rough.

My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.
She just couldn't Bear it...
So she Swanned off...
And took the Kids...
Well at least I no longer have to listen to her keep rabbiting on...

"I'm just going shopping, do you need anything?" asked the wife.
"Just some toilet rolls love".
"What kind? Andrex, Charmin, Tesco's own brand?"
"The bog standard" I replied

my mate was laughing as i have paronomasiaphobia, but he has logophobia so he cant talk