My wife just told me she was in town and saw a chicken crossing the road
I said to her "you must be joking"

The number of words that don't follow the "I before E" rule is reaching new heights!

I made a really good citrus fruit that grows underwater
It's sublime

A deacon walks into a crowded room and screams 'fire'. As the people run out he says "I'm kidding. Just wanted to deacon-jest the place"

So they have found water on Mars
Is this a Mars spa ?

My mates get annoyed when I mix up the names of sweets.
Well I am sorry. Those are just my tac tics.

I haven't had a single visitor to my Museum of Television Controllers.
People aren't remotely interested.

I used to be an avid reader of the sun...
I enjoy light comedy.

The black guys in my area are very dodgy.
They always seem to avoid my bullets.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

Since buying
these Robotic Sheep, I
constantly have to upgrade my
RAM.

If I ever have to open another Fray Bentos pie again, I'll slit my wrists.

Just planted a few bulbs.
Gonna have my own solar plant!

My Dad kept using this GPS in his car that kept directing him to cliff edges
I think that's what led him to his downfall.

My friend was born with a GPS locator embedded in his chest.
He can be difficult, but you know exactly where you stand with him.

My room-mate woke me up in the middle of the night with his sack in my face.
I was bolloxed.

There are so many Bernard Matthews jokes about already. Talk about hopping on the bandwagon.
I bet he's twizzling in his grave!

Today, a doctor came up to me and offered to repair my destroyed nerve endings with an experimental procedure.
Couldn't hurt.

Caesarian Sections.
They're a cut above.

A man walks into a scientists' bar and aks how much it is for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.
The barman replies, 'That'll be eigh-tee-p!'

I've never believed in horses.
I'm a neightheist.

My wife said, "It's raining cats and dogs outside!"
I replied, "Well, as long as it wasn't reindeer."

Job vacancy in the local newspaper
Do you want to be a part of an expanding contracting company?

Westlife singer Shane Filan has been declared bankrupt in the UK.
Filan for bankruptcy.

My mate said to me 'I bet you 20 that Poland go through'
Czech again