In my job I often feel like I'm being walked all over, guess that should be expected when you work on a shop floor

Why did the Russian destroy a car?
Vodka?

I was pressing my clothes the other day when I burned the middle of my leg
Oh the iron knee!

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks.
It's all lice.

I just saw an advert for "skyJaguar", and immediately phoned the number on screen. Imagine my disappointment when I was congratulated for adopting an endangered animal, not for owning the world's first flying car.

The wife had a go at me earlier, telling me I shouldn't keep toffees in the same pocket as my antique pistols.
I stuck to my guns.

I was trying to explain trigonometry to my teenage nephew the other day, but I kept going off on a tangent.

I had a Cardiac Arrest yesterday.
I caught some bloke stealing hearts from the morgue.

My blind friend has started keeping a diary. Soon everyone will know his secrets, the writing's on the wall.

I've just taken a bold risk and downloaded some audio recording software for my computer.
The Audacity!

I'm gonna bounce back from this setback if my name is Rick O'Shea!

So my girlfriend just dumped me because I don't like Italian food. I really thought we could just move pasta thing like that.

Whenever I meet new people, I tell them that I drive a gritting lorry during snowfall.
It helps to break the ice...

I couldn't believe it when my gang of bandits told me they had kidnapped Minnie Mouse.
I thought they were taking the Mickey.

This Fleetwood Mac Sat Nav is rubbish - it keeps telling me to go my own way.

I had a fight with a piece of wood yesterday.
I decked it.

How many people are addicted to drugs in the US?
You do the meth.

Girls think I'm weird because I count a piece of furniture as my best friend.
I guess tonight it's just me, my shelf, and I.

Mexican strip club - Sombre-hoes

All this talk on the news about Black Holes,
I don't know what people see in them.

A group of people gathered outside my house and started shouting 'we love Poborsky!, we love Poborsky!'.
I hate Karel singers.

My Girlfriend reminded me too much of a poo
So I dumped her

I used to have a business selling sculptures depicting just the head and shoulders.
It went bust.

My wife asked me to wax her bikini line.
She can go and pluck herself!

Just spent last 5 hours making a few poxy sandwiches for tonight's buffet. Made a bit of a meal of it to be honest.