A group of people gathered outside my house and started shouting 'we love Poborsky!, we love Poborsky!'.
I hate Karel singers.

All this talk on the news about Black Holes,
I don't know what people see in them.

Mexican strip club - Sombre-hoes

Girls think I'm weird because I count a piece of furniture as my best friend.
I guess tonight it's just me, my shelf, and I.

My Cat's a real ladies man, he never stops picking up birds.

I was counting quartz and amethyst today....
I am addicted to crystal math.

I just installed CCTV in my house.
My wife but doesn't like it but I can see where she's coming from.

I joined the Mile High Club the other day.
I was blown sky high.

I'm sick of my job at McDonalds.
Flippin' burgers.

I got fired from my job as a prostate examiner today...
Apparently shouting "Look, no hands!" is inapropriate.

Ever since my experiments with radiation turned me into a voucher, I have been looking for a way to redeem myself

What do you call an up-to-date raisin?
Currant.

What do you call a Boutique with no queues?
Boutiue.

Through meditation I've learned that I can control diarrhoea without taking conventional medicines.
It's really easy, just a simple case of mind over splatter...

Anybody else hear about that Italian waiter working on the Costa Concordia? He had been praying for a big tip.

What a day...
I went to the casino after work and blew everything.
And to top it off they kicked me out for not gambling.

My friend came over to my house earlier and I showed him my collection of music magazines. After he left I noticed that a few had gone missing. In future I'll keep my friends close and my NMEs even closer.

i tell you who's a really good singer..... R Kelly
we're so proud of her

I really shouldn't have married my missus.
She wasn't really ready, needed time to develop and was a little bit unstable.
Unusually I suppose, that makes her a wife beta.

I was burning dolls earlier.
It was a Barbiecue.

I went to a fancy dress pool party last night.
There was a large cue outside.

Obesity is an increasingly weighty issue nowadays...

I'm surprised people go out in Scotland with the wind how it is. Hats off to them.

I used to smoke a lot of soap.
But I'm clean now.

NEWS: World Masturbating Championships 2013 to be held on Palm Sunday.