In a shock move, the Bowlers Union strikes.

The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

I went to a fancy dress pool party last night.
There was a large cue outside.

I'm surprised people go out in Scotland with the wind how it is. Hats off to them.

I used to smoke a lot of soap.
But I'm clean now.

NEWS: World Masturbating Championships 2013 to be held on Palm Sunday.

If you dont shake properly after going to the toilet, then urine trouble

I tried my hand at art the other day and thought I'd post some of my work...
Turns out I've drawn a blank.

. . . / - - -
I regret writing that.
Remorse Code

What did the Hungarian name his rodent extermination company?
Boot-a-pest.

I live off the land
In a house boat

So there was this breeze going all the way across the Atlantic.
Ah, forget it. My jokes are always too long-winded.

My mate was crying because he spilled his beer
I told him to suck it up

My doctor told me that I need a brain transplant.
I said, "Don't remind me."

I went to court on suspicion of arson.
They asked me quick fire questions

I applied to be a maths teacher, but my qualifications didn't add up.

I went for an audition the other day to play the Invisible man.
The director told me he couldn't really see me in the role, so I got it.

I got chatting to this girl who's Siamese
twin died during the separation operation.
She's a millionaire now and spends most
of her time abroad relaxing on beaches,
shopping and dining in expensive restaurants.
Oh, how the other half lives.

Heard about the dentist that started on the manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail.

I killed a bird with a small axe and then found an egg.
I decided to hatchet

I had one of those heart stopping moments today.
It was cardiopulmonary arrest.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I saw some people giving the police around of an applause in South London today. I thought, theres no need to Clapham

My mate bought a solid gold hi-hat for his drum kit.
He regards it as a status cymbal.

Our local flag shop has shut down because of a lack of stock
That place never had any standards.