The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

I went to a fancy dress pool party last night.
There was a large cue outside.

I'm surprised people go out in Scotland with the wind how it is. Hats off to them.

I used to smoke a lot of soap.
But I'm clean now.

NEWS: World Masturbating Championships 2013 to be held on Palm Sunday.

If you dont shake properly after going to the toilet, then urine trouble

. . . / - - -
I regret writing that.
Remorse Code

I tried my hand at art the other day and thought I'd post some of my work...
Turns out I've drawn a blank.

I went for an audition the other day to play the Invisible man.
The director told me he couldn't really see me in the role, so I got it.

I applied to be a maths teacher, but my qualifications didn't add up.

I went to court on suspicion of arson.
They asked me quick fire questions

I met my new girlfriend at a Car Boot sale. We were both selling bundles of Bingo equipment.
It turned out we had a lot in common.

My doctor told me that I need a brain transplant.
I said, "Don't remind me."

I got chatting to this girl who's Siamese
twin died during the separation operation.
She's a millionaire now and spends most
of her time abroad relaxing on beaches,
shopping and dining in expensive restaurants.
Oh, how the other half lives.

My mate was crying because he spilled his beer
I told him to suck it up

So there was this breeze going all the way across the Atlantic.
Ah, forget it. My jokes are always too long-winded.

I live off the land
In a house boat

What did the Hungarian name his rodent extermination company?
Boot-a-pest.

2 pebbles sitting on a beach, 1st one says to the other "are you married" the 2nd one replies "no im shingle"

I saw my mate's decapitated head the other day.
I said, "What happened to you?"
He said, "I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction."
I said, "Maybe you should quit while you're a head."

I was reading an article the other day that was about a bloke who had his artificial legs stolen along with his car. He was gutted because now he wouldn't be able to walk his sister down the aisle.
I wouldn't be too worried, everyone ends up legless at a wedding

Saw a lorry earlier with "Lomas Potatos" on the side.
I thought those potatos won't be very heavy.

I made Apple crumble today!
I told her Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow were dead

Global warming.
Now that's a heated topic.

I wasn't good when I ate out my virgin girlfriend for the first time. Luckily I got a second bite of the cherry