I wasn't good when I ate out my virgin girlfriend for the first time. Luckily I got a second bite of the cherry

Heard about the dentist that started on the manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail.

I killed a bird with a small axe and then found an egg.
I decided to hatchet

I had one of those heart stopping moments today.
It was cardiopulmonary arrest.

My mate bought a solid gold hi-hat for his drum kit.
He regards it as a status cymbal.

Our local flag shop has shut down because of a lack of stock
That place never had any standards.

I saw some people giving the police around of an applause in South London today. I thought, theres no need to Clapham

3.14% of all fish are Pi ranhas.

I threw my fizzy drink in my mate's face the other day. He got really angry.
I told him to calm down, it was only a bit of Fanter.

My Geordie mate Kev was having a rant the other day, "I tell you what man, the next person I hear making insulting sterotypical remarks about us Geordie's is gonna get stabbed in the eye!"
"Why eye?" I asked

My Daughter said she had to do a study on a meteor shower - The school didnt take kindly to a video of me showering with a Peperami

Facebook Status Shuffle:
For those who need help.

I've just returned from taking the kids to see Toy Story 3.
We didn't manage to get in, apparently goats aren't allowed in cinemas.

I am setting up a shopping website called Bulldozers.com.
I should be able to take down Amazon

I'm setting up a law practice that specialises in defending Paedophiles.
To attract business we're advertising for a barely legal secretary.

I crashed my lorry load of Parker Pens today.
It was a write off.

Just after noticing that the Spanish are getting a lot of praise for their good defense.
I disagree I think they Arbeloa professional standard.

How did ancient Egyptian con artists make their money?
With pyramid schemes.

Single white mail seeking stamp for long term relationship.

I am going to plant trees in the garden, but I think there's enough.
I'm getting Sycamore.

I worked in the first ever CD destruction shop.
We were record breakers.

I'm not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.
Think it's going to be a real eye opener.

My friend told me he was looking for a new girlfriend yesterday.
I said "Didn't you just get a new one last week?"
He said "That's the one im looking for".

My Mum had tried killing me when she was hoovering...
She kept screaming Dyson! Dyson! Dyson!

Racist Swingers.
They love it when a Klan comes together.