Abu Hamza keeps dropping his Nokia...
His phone's always off the hook!

Spring Deal:
50% off all trampolines

Apparently, my mate Lee has started doing drugs.
I'm not sure if I believe it.
It's highly unlikely...

Weeds are starting to take over my garden.
It's a growing problem.

Just met a guy who's supposed to be an expert at origami. I gave him the "cold stare" and sneered at him.
He folded

Be kind to your dentist - he has fillings too!

I have become a millionaire from gardening, but I will never forget my roots

Met a woman in the bar the other night, her second name was nokia,
Got slapped when i told her that i had a big ericsson

The local mafia keep drawing crosses and ticks on me - think I'm a marked man.

My wife said I was 'Skeptical'
I didn't believe her for one bit.

I feed my children sewage.
They are, quite literally, drains on my resources.

Identical Twins.
They're all the same.

Taking everything into account, my bank is pretty full.

Should Audi make a car called the Doodi?

I tried to buy a rowing machine today.
But apparently Steve Redgrave is not for sale

Where did the mathematical dolphin do his sums?
Indices.

Jon Bon Jovi is training to become a preist,
he's living on a prayer,
Well he's halfway there

As I got to the top of the mountain I thought "well, it's all down hill from here."

Let's bring this discussion to a close. I've been to the edge of the universe, and that's the end of the matter.

When asked about Scott Dann's groin injury, Steve Kean refused to talk about the sack.

Me and my nostalgia go back a long way.

Being a small stone, I have not got as much courage as I would like. If only I was a little boulder.

I've always been a pretty funny guy. In fact I came out of my mother's womb telling a joke. If I recall correctly, it was pretty funny, but the delivery wasn't that great.

When I was a kid I always felt like my parents were out to get me
Particularly that time I ran away from home

Let's go back to simple mechanics for a moment.