My son just got into Oxford University.
I don't know why everyone says it's hard to get in, all he did was open the door.

I hate dead people. Like seriously, get a life.

I keep missing the toilet.
It got stolen by some thugs last week. I just hope it's ok.

I worked in the first ever CD destruction shop.
We were record breakers.

I'm not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.
Think it's going to be a real eye opener.

My friend told me he was looking for a new girlfriend yesterday.
I said "Didn't you just get a new one last week?"
He said "That's the one im looking for".

My Mum had tried killing me when she was hoovering...
She kept screaming Dyson! Dyson! Dyson!

I got fired from my job in the dairy factory.
I kept getting in the whey.

I eat Burger King at every whoppertunity.

Racist Swingers.
They love it when a Klan comes together.

Corporal punishment.
It's back with a vengeance!

For dessert last night, I had a chocolate cake in the shape of a vast open expanse of land.
It was very moorish.

How does a shot putter get his shot put to other countries?
Heathrow

Just caught my wife playing blackjack with another bloke. Well two can play at that game.

My wife said she is leaving me because of my obsession with radiation.
I think it is beta that way.

I've just beaten up a pair of odd socks. They were no match for me.

My girlfriend threw a plant at me and said, "I can't handle your terrible puns anymore, this relationship is over!"
I said, "Please don't leaf me! LEAF! Haha! ....where are you going?"

I became a member of the Secret Seven. It was so secret, I didn't know who the other six were.

The death of Paul the Octopus will be inked all over the newspapers by tomorrow

I used to work as a croupier, until I broke my arm.
I found it hard to deal with.

I prefer Skips to Quavers.
You can't dispose of a body with a Quaver.

I've noticed one side of my house is warmer than the other.
It's much colder on the outside.

What did one cannibal say to the other during an argument?
"Do you want a piece of me?"

I tried that speed reading today.
Tomorrow Ill up the stakes and use heroin.

A cistern walks into a bar, feeling flush, and asks for a bowl of beer.
Whats the matter ? Dont you like my toilet humour ?