I got fired from my job in the dairy factory.
I kept getting in the whey.

I eat Burger King at every whoppertunity.

Racist Swingers.
They love it when a Klan comes together.

Corporal punishment.
It's back with a vengeance!

I prefer Skips to Quavers.
You can't dispose of a body with a Quaver.

For dessert last night, I had a chocolate cake in the shape of a vast open expanse of land.
It was very moorish.

I've noticed one side of my house is warmer than the other.
It's much colder on the outside.

I tried that speed reading today.
Tomorrow Ill up the stakes and use heroin.

What did one cannibal say to the other during an argument?
"Do you want a piece of me?"

A cistern walks into a bar, feeling flush, and asks for a bowl of beer.
Whats the matter ? Dont you like my toilet humour ?

The death of Paul the Octopus will be inked all over the newspapers by tomorrow

I used to work as a croupier, until I broke my arm.
I found it hard to deal with.

I became a member of the Secret Seven. It was so secret, I didn't know who the other six were.

My girlfriend threw a plant at me and said, "I can't handle your terrible puns anymore, this relationship is over!"
I said, "Please don't leaf me! LEAF! Haha! ....where are you going?"

I've just beaten up a pair of odd socks. They were no match for me.

My wife said she is leaving me because of my obsession with radiation.
I think it is beta that way.

Just caught my wife playing blackjack with another bloke. Well two can play at that game.

When I was a kid my mum and dad abandoned me in the coat section of JD Sports and left me there to fend for myself.
I grew up in the hoods.

How does a shot putter get his shot put to other countries?
Heathrow

Shoot a woman on your first date and you'll get 20 years
Marry her and you'll serve life

The retired shepherd was ewes less.

My girlfriend kept on at me to send her a saucy picture
So I sent her one of some ketchup

I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.

My son just got into Oxford University.
I don't know why everyone says it's hard to get in, all he did was open the door.

I hate dead people. Like seriously, get a life.