I just got back from the Hospital, I had to have an operation to remove a Tumor from my brain.
I have to say it's a load off my mind.

BBC news: 'Turkey to appoint military chiefs'
I think it might be planning a coup

I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his ear; "I love you Piddles, never forget that."
I then put him down in his basket and got a few questionable looks from my family as I plodded off into the kitchen.

Controversy as Alton Towers set to hold another 'Muslims only' day.
It's a Paki jolly day.

I let milk get away with so much. Im lactose tolerant.

I'm addicted to frozen poultry.
Think I might have to go cold turkey.

Stethoscopes are not for the feint-hearted.

Knowledgeable, intelligent, sapient and clever.
Those are some wise words.

I'm a crossdresser.
I get angry when i put on a jumper.

For some strange reason, whenever I pressed my door-bell I received an electric shock.
I couldn't put my finger on it.

I was on the bus, and I saw a sign which read "Please place your litter in the plastic bags provided".
Anyway, now the RSPCA are after me for "Suffocating cats"

My teacher told me I use far too much hyperbole in my in my work.
I personally think she is exaggerating....

Can you picture a world without impossible visualised situations?

Just bought a block of cheddar...it's destined for grateness!

I don't mind trigonometry problems.
Normally only takes me a few secs.

I have a house in West Africa, but I haven't Benin for a while.

My wife bought me an extremely tall lamp from the shops, it was the highlight of my day.

For a plumber, a flush beats a full house.

Postman falls into coma...
Letters pray.

My car just broke down.
I told it not to get too emotional.

I can't stop thinking about prisons....
My mind works in Strangeways.

What do you get if you cross Time Vine and Amir Khan?.
A Punjabbi

The wife's been moaning about the body parts all over the house from my mail order Frankenstein kit. I've told her I'd finish it but after what the dog ate,
I don't think I've the heart for it anymore.

Why were 3 Asian university students recently arrested?
For running a math lab.

Have you ever stepped on an oscillator? It hertz.