I tried to tell Beethoven the piano was coming.
But it fell on deaf ears.

What do you call a Paki with Parkinson's?
A sheikh.

My wife said that we needed to have a long and hard talk over our marriage.
Apparently slapping her across the face with my erection wasn't the long and hard matter she was talking about.

There's a fine line between a square and a triangle.

I've met this girl who, whenever she's around, makes me so happy.
She's called Sarah Tonin.

When two egotists fight it really is an I for an I

I've always thought about carrying a donor card
But I've never had the heart

Indie fish go against the main stream.

Its not easy working as a prison officer when you have a nut allergy.

I was in the vegetable aisle at my local supermarket when the spring onions started breakdancing and doing hiphop.
The little rap scallions!

My job at the cement factory seems to get harder and harder.

Does anyone here have a giant catapult?
No? It was a long shot..

Personally, I find there's nothing better than slipping into a hot tub - but not everyone finds big women as attractive as I do.

You've gotta hand it to Thomas the Tank Engine.
He's got a great track record.

I arrived home from the hospital this morning to inform my wife of the disturbing news that I had been diagnosed with a highly malignant and ultimately fatal type of blood cancer.
Like a woman possessed, she forced me onto the couch, tearing at my clothes and straddled me, making earthmoving, rampant love to me repeatedly like there was no tomorrow.
I think she's a lymphomaniac.

I'd tell you a joke about my eyes but it's too cornea.

"Alright Sir, are you ready for your prostate exam?"
"Yes doctor."
"Ok then, Question 1 - Where is the prostate located?"

With petrol so expensive I've an idea to pour it in empty milk bottles with a bit of rag as a bung and selling it on street corners.
Everyone says I'll be making a bomb.

My wife says she's leaving me because i'm too skeptical.....
She won't though...

BBC News: Inmates could get phones in cells
Isn't that why they call them cell phones?

I just signed in to this cool new website that I've found. Its called 'LumberJack.com'
But I soon got bored and logged out.

"You've got odd socks on."
"No, I'm wearing two."

turns out my statistics teacher has the same birthday as me...........
what are the odds?

For years I've had a charcuterie addiction, hams, chorizos, everything. It became so bad I lost my house and family.
But I've been in a clinic for 6 months and now I'm cured.

What would you call Iron Man and The Silver Surfer if they teamed up?
Alloys.