My missus said, "I'm fed up being your doormat."
Tough. She matches the curtains.

A stand-up comic came in and performed on every floor of my building today.
It was funny on so many levels.

After 23 years of marriage, Phil Taylor has moved out of his marital home and Is staying at a hotel,
I wonder how long before he checks out

"Alright Sir, are you ready for your prostate exam?"
"Yes doctor."
"Ok then, Question 1 - Where is the prostate located?"

An extra chromosome always gets me downs :(

just won silver in the tradesman's olympic 100 metre final , i was neck an neck with the local shoe polisher up til halfway , but he managed to show me a clean pair of heels.

What's the difference between a country and a continent?
I'm not incountry.

I struggle to remember the meaning of interrogation.
It's torture.

A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do.

At the end of the day, bouncy castles are always one big let down.

I think David Haye needs to fight one of the Klitschko brothers for the good of boxing
Its Vitali important

I just found out my grandad shot about 15 Germans during the war
Which is a bit weird because he was a butcher.

My mate married a midget today and he just said to me, "I'm regretting this already. What's everyone going to say when they see my new bride!? I'm really worried."
"Wife's too short, mate," I replied.

BBC News - 'LadBrokes & other betting shops in the area have been vandalized and smashed to pieces'
What are the odds?

My mum brought home a new box of washing powder for the first time today. But it's not my biological washing powder and it can't tell me what to do

My mate has an extreme hatred for certain security software developers...
I'm sick of his Anti-Symantec views.

Did you know Hugh Laurie's mother had red hair?
A ginger-bred House.

My friend is going out with an absolute diamond!
Yeh he did a bit of carbon-dating.

I just got my photos developed, and found a whole loads of pictures were taken of someone's abdomen, just between the hips and ribcage.
I thought, "that's a waist".

I've been trying to trace my wifes new dress that I ordered online for her last week.
I've already used seven pencils and that's just only a half of it done.

Mirror inspecting is a job I can really see myself doing.

What's a Hindu?
Lays eggs.

My wife packed her bags and told me she was leaving me over my obsession with zoo animals.
Well that excuse was irrelephant.

What's Relaxed, Porcelain, and cancerous?
A mellow gnomea

I asked my doctor if he thinks I'm over my obsession with Tipperary.
He said "there's still a long way to go"