Did you hear about the football coach that got gunned down last night on the south London playing fields?
That's the last time he keeps them back for shooting practice.

I sent my pet turkey to Bernard Matthews to learn some manners.
Hes now a reformed character.

Tell you something strange.
I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink... it was bizarre.
Then, I walked to the apartment window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.
Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps...

There was a man wearing a rosette walking round the town centre today with a big sign saying
"Now is the time for change".
He looked like a right cheeky beggar.

When working in a team Im like an anorexic paedophile.
I always try to pull my weight.

I just saw a falconer in an electric wheelchair.
Must have been Stephen Hawking.

The girlfriend asked me if I liked her little "surprise".
While I was asleep she covered me in a combination of hardwood, parquet, carpet and ceramic tiles.
"Liked" doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. She completely floored me.

What do dentist's call x-rays?
Tooth pics

I was in the boxing ring and I was doing very bad. The referee came up to me and said, "Are you ready for your next match?"
I replied, "Just a bout."

I constantly make dreadful clothes for monks.
It's a bad habit.

I flipped a coin and it managed to land perfectly on the edge...
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.

My grandad got kicked out of his bowls club
He said plates are better

Yesterday I was drawing round criminals to make cardboard cutouts for my ad campaign, when I stood up to think for a second. I was interrupted by someone shouting: "Oi! What are you doing?"
"Contemplating." I replied.

As punishment for my recent puns, the wife made me make dessert; I mixed a combination of tomato paste and icing sugar, ladled it onto a pastry base and served it.
"This must have been a lot of effort" She responded drily when served her slice.
"On the contrary; it was a pizza cake" I responded.

Working at a bakery, I tend to make a lot of breadful buns.

I love dunking biscuits in my tea.
I don't even care if anyone at the dinner table thinks custard creams and curry don't go well together.

Did you hear about the stuntman that couldn't hear? He performed deaf defying stunts.

I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.

A man has been found guilty of multiple murders. Each victim was found wearing a plain white t-shirt...
There was no Motif.

"Evangelist Oral Roberts dies aged 91"
That sucks.

It was only after I had jumped out the plane without a parachute that I realised the gravity of the situation.

I cut my mate into numerous small, oddly shaped, interlocking and tessellating pieces.
He was puzzled.

I went to a seminar, where the main speaker was this dairy farmer, who just went on and on about all the different things he did with his milk ...
I wouldn't have missed my train if he had just condensed it a bit.

Most people complain about missionaries on their door step, but I love them: JW's, Mormons, Hare Krishnas, I always invite them in.
I'm bald, but I have a huge collection of wigs.
And I love avocado dip, eat it every day.
I'm living the dream:
Sects and rugs and guacamole.

Everyday, at 7.00AM, a man walks about the street wearing a Kippah.
My wife asked me, "Who is that?"
I replied, "That's just the morning Jew."