Which knight never won a battle?
Sir Render.

Back in Vietnam i was a toilet cleaner
I still get flush Backs

I've always lived out of a suitcase.
I've never lived inside a suitcase.

I resented filling in that government survey so much that I went down to my local MP's office and broke his kneecaps.
In hindsight, it was just census violence.

Just seen a huge killer fish playing guitar in the town centre.
Think its a busking shark.

Going into a restaurant dressed as a lobster can land you in hot water.

Why is milk fast?
Because it's pasteurised before you see it.

I bought my wife some C4 for her birthday.
She was blown away.

Can my friend name at least one ninja weapon?
Shuriken

My wife never trust me with anything, especially when it comes to the kids, so I was surprised this morning when she asked me to drop them off at the nursery.
I thought they looked really nice next to the potted plants and the baby conifers.

I was playing poker with my mates and as the flop was revealed, I put two ounces of meat in the air.
One of my mates said, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "Raising the steaks."

I am a counterfeiter.
I mostly work in kitchens.

Think my keyboard needs therapy.
Some of the keys have been depressed lately.

I cut myself when I was shaving last night.
I get depressed easily and I like to multi task

SkySports - Mancini recieves Mario boost.
There's too many puns to think of for this headline to be clever, so I'll just close my Internet Bowser.

Apparently my local news had an announcement on how to load a gun
But I never got the bulletin

There's something wrong with my new thimble.
I can't quite put my finger on it.

My wife says she's leaving me because of my vegetable related puns.
But I bet it's really because of my low Celery.

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.

A fire broke out in a Basque movie theatre in northern Spain. Unfortunately, there was only one emergency door, and several people were trampled.
It only goes to show that you shouldn't put all your Basques in one exit.

My girlfriend bought me a watch for my birthday, even though she knows I already have one.
What a waste of time.

I have just spent the day up a mountain, standing on a sheer cliff ledge.
I love acting the goat.

I recently carried out an armed robbery at my local post office and got away with a substantial amount of cash. Unfortunately I left behind a handfull of 2p and 1p pieces which had traces of my DNA on.
I got caught by the coppers.

I gave my wife a puzzled look earlier...
Cut her into 1000 tiny pieces.

Mirror.co.uk - Tories rap 'urban war' in UK cities - 15 hrs ago
where do i get this song from?