I've got a package here but unfortunately it's addressed to MC Hammer
Can't touch this...

Re- painting your house is like the olympics....
Nothing will ever work as well as beigeing.

I finally plucked up the courage to trump infront of my girlfriend and her parents last night.
First trick I've ever won at Bridge.

I was on a crazy lads holiday when I met a bloke from Afghanistan. His name was Allsummer Bin Larginit

"Question all authority"
Why should I?

BBC News:
"A food production company was ordered to pay nearly 17,000 after a man found a dead mouse in a loaf of bread as he made sandwiches for his children."
That's brilliant. The best thing since miced bread.

What's the definition of an orgy?
A party where everyone comes.

I went into Sainsbury's and asked, "Do you sell spinal vertebrae?"
The guy said, "They're in the back."

What do mushrooms wear to the gym?
A spores bra.

I went to a Crowded House concert yesterday.
I couldn't get in.

Pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

The Grand Canyon is just gorges.

The perks of working in a keyboard factory.
Extra shifts.

I dropped my barometer earlier.
Just couldn't handle the pressure.

Michael Jackson's doctor has been found guilty of manslaughter today.
It was a thriller, but they found out he was bad, and eventually told him to beat it.

I have an irrational fear of common German names,
I'm extremely Klaustrophobic

Quick pole: North or South?

I hate those pictures of women with their pants pulled up right tight.
Think I'm cameltoes intolerant.

I told my friend that an Octopus has Tentacles.
He said "I thought they only had eight"

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

All the local black kids hang right outside my house.
That tree is really paying for itself.

Whenever something was done to make a bad situation worse my dad used to always say it was "simply adding fuel to the fire"
I think that's why he lost his job as fireman

Who's Differ? And why does everyone seem to beg to him?

Just had to take a pay cut at work as business is slow.
Hadn't realised it's called a 'contract' because they get smaller.

I asked my doctor why I had a permanent erection.
He said, "It's hard to say."