I was reading a comic and the last page was just a blank piece of paper with a crayon.
Now I think it was intentional, but I don't want to draw any conclusions

My wife text me tonight: "Do you think you could pick up 8 pints of milk?"
I text back, "No, my hands are not that big".

Christmas puns are starting to get really annoying. Quit using them or yule be sorry.

I've just directed an Oscar-winning film about a fruit owned by royalty.
I'm calling it 'The King's Peach'

I'm a sucker for a large room.
It's probably my biggest floor.

I was watching a video of the troops fighting in the WW1 Trenches. Just as they were about to leave the trench and storm the enemy, they all started screaming and jumping about.
I thought "They're going over the top"

I considered getting a new watch and a new battery.
I don't have the time or the energy.

I've almost finished my fish-skin boots.
All I need now is a sole and eel.

What has four wheels and flies?
A dustbin truck.

My boss came into my office today and saw me looking at a picture of a destroyed aircraft on the internet
He said "Explain"
I replied "Yeah it is, did the wings give it away?"

I was absolutely hopeless at geometry when I went to school.I just felt as though I was going round in circles.

Got into a fight with a sea creature who I thought was my friend.
Turns out he was anemone.

It's a dangerous job making TV's.
There's a very high-def rate.

Why did the mathematician get dumped?
Cos he was obsessed with his X

I think there might be some sort of wild paedophile down at the playground.
My kids are always coming home hot and sweaty saying how much fun they had playing on this 'Jungle Jim' guy.

My phone's broke.
I keep having to give it a tenner every month.

Tried to count to infinity
It took forever

After a rollercoaster was controversially built over the local graveyard I was up in arms.
It makes it more fun to ride that way.

Just been down the arcades.
Four quid for a go in an electric chair!
Shocking...

I hate all races,
Apart from English and the 100m hurdles

I found it difficult to get served when I went for a drink with some overachievers last night.
They kept raising the bar.

Have you heard about the invincible egg white?
It couldn't be beaten

Played a gig in a prison yesterday.
They were a very captive audience.

When I received my dinner, I only got a knife and a spoon.
It's the fork that counts.

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I preferred her red or dark brown.
I just wish she'd wear a clean pair of knickers.