I paid 10 to see an opera show last night and about five minutes into it one of the performers dropped down dead.
So that was a waste of a tenor.

my dad moved in mysterious ways.. mind you that was because he had one leg shorter than the other

I was speaking to my American friend who lives in Mississippi on the phone earlier and he said there is allot of 'Anti-British' feeling at the moment due to the BP fiasco.
In hindsight, perhaps saying, "Maybe the England v USA game will pour oil on troubled waters" wasn't my best move.

My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages.
I sent him a couple of links.

I just finished a book on Mongolian literature. It was okay, I guess. It had its prose and Khans.

I've been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I'm not making a lot of progress.

Roses are red,
Cabbage is green.
Open your legs,
And I'll fill you with cream.

For years people have been telling me I can dish it out but I can't take it.
I'm a school dinner lady with an allergy to mashed potato

The French burkah ban.
i bet they had trouble seeing that one coming.

That woman who threw a cat in the bin really hurt my felines.

I just got off the phone to my friend and it said "your balance is low". I didn't believe it, and carried on walking. And fell over.

On a recent trip to Istanbul there was a building with hundreds of stalls in it selling spices, food, equipment, all sorts of objects and even animals and pets! Bizaar

My son was complaining because his new coat wasn't keeping him warm.
I told him to zip it.

I was having trouble picking a scab earlier.
They all looked so good.

Im great at comic timing.
It took my mate 32 minutes to read the Beano

The last 10 fancy dress parties I've been to I've gone as a shark
The joke is wearing fin

I went to sleep with one eye open.
I didn't sleep a wink

Trust me, you don't want to play golf with Sven Goran Eriksson.
He takes forever to take a shot, because he keeps changing clubs.

Ah yes, 9/11.
The age range I molest exclusively to.

I have no money but my wife has piles.

I've started a new sweet company...I'm going to make a mint.

Some Indian bloke has taken to running round my hometown recently, fighting crime and jumping from building to building.
He calls himself Batnaan.

BNP, UKIP, English Democrats... I know my rights!

Why did they start letting women in the army?
To cook the grenades

did you hear about that new law on constipation?
the government are still trying to push it through.