I dropped my geology degree to start a rock band.

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

I wonder what turns OCD people on....
and off. And on again. And then off again.

So tonight in the Carling Cup it's Barnet v Watford; The Bees v The Hornets.
Apparently the fans of both teams are buzzing!

Ive just invested my life savings into The Mount Everest Grill House which opens next week.
The steaks have never been higher.

My Friend told me that caustic soda was a drink.
Just found out it was a lye.

Black people end up doing crime, because they are incompatible with the education system.
They just don't seem to cotton on anymore.

My wife said that she would like to try swinging for a night.
She's only been up there for a few hours and she's already
gone limp.

The words "I love you".
Putting the con into consent.

My Nan was evacuated during the war.
That'll teach her to eat a tin of prunes to herself.

I tried to break the world record for fastest removal of a Chinese finger trap.
I couldn't pull it off.

Charities that help neglected children are easily ignored.

I babysat over the weekend...
Apparently it was lucky to survive

Two archaeologists were at an ice age excavation, when all of a sudden they unearthed an enormous find that was going to take months to clean, dig out safely and protect.
They had a mammoth tusk ahead of them.

The popularity of voyeurism is peeking

Everyone is calling me Mr Paranoid.
I just know it.

Ever since I've started working at the resistor factory my colleagues have really helped me feel at ohm.

My uncle just died and I stand to inherit 10% of his estate, which amounts to a front axle.

A man runs into a bank waving a tree branch above his head.
"This is a stick up!" he yells.

I just bought a new paper shirt.
I don't like it, it's tearable.

People tell me it's hard thinking of jokes off the top of your head. Not for me I'm ginger.

what do you call a deaf father?
hugh watson

I had to cancel my trip to Germany due to my crippling fear of sausages.
It's the wurst.

My horse glows in the dark. He is rodeoactive.

The answer to period pains.....
Grow a pair.