When the world is your oyster, all you have to do is stay clam and collected.

I was trying to hold a map of a French town in my hand, but kept dropping it.
It was Toulouse.

Finished writing my first book today, which was a novel experience.

Procrastination; Otherwise known as self-distract mode.

Upskirts
Because asking her to show you would be rude.

Everyone says that i dont understand what puns are.
If you'll pardon the pun

What's the most common type of owl in Britain?
The Teet Owl

I don't like tennis, I find it has too many faults

I had an Ice Cream Truck once. It was a sweet ride.

I've just been fired from my window cleaning job.
I lost my rag.

Anyone want a plate?
Speak now or forever hold your pizza.

I feel sick that I'll have to quit my debate club.
It just doesn't agree with me.

I just can't stand 2 legged chairs

My football team just signed a morbidly-obese winger.
It's important to have a wide man.

A little part of me died when I got castrated.

My mate asked me, 'How long is a piece of string?'
'13 letters in total' I replied.

My calculator broke in the middle of an exam today
I just can't count on it anymore

My job, working at Jessops, is still developing.

I went to school to become a wit. I only got halfway through though.

I downloaded Iron man the other day, it took so long I ended up watching Rust man.

I got on a train in Spain and saw a bunch of footballers standing around
It must have been Rail Madrid

A farmer turned to me and strangely yelled "screw you"
I replied "It's not a ewe, its a ram"

-1 squared.
Keepin' it real.

My best mate has taken his girlfriend to Paris to propose at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Two other mates are currently climbing Mount Everest, and one of my work mates has recently got a job in the restaurant on the top floor of the Empire State Building.
I have friends in high places.

I had my 10th anniversary at work today, I breed horses.
It's a very stable job.