My mate is so fat he can't even get into his local chemist
I think he's too big for his Boots.

Sony have created a 12 inch CD.
That must be a record.

The traffic lights are broken at the end of my road again.
No change there then.

Vanish have just brought out a new product called Ground Remover.
The results are flawless.

Kids these days don't know they're born. Seriously.
We keep my brother in a large, moist sack and feed him through a tube.

What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey??
How are ya gettin on??

I'm a minister at the graffiti church.
Let us spray.

I'm setting up a strip club in Devon, offering Cream Tease.

'Bird Flu'
Epidemic?
Or pun?

Graham Onions is such a good cricketer.
Just watching him brings a tear to my eye.

My mate wouldn't believe me when I said there was a 'Q' in Kwik Fit.
So he went down there and had to wait an hour and a half for two tyres.

I've just seen a man with one eye, three arms, five thumbs, seven fingers and nine toes.
He seemed very odd.

I saw a man walking down the street screaming "I am an adult magazine"
I thought "Are you Nuts?"

My wife said, "I need some more Botox."
"Why?" I asked. "What's up with the fat ones you're sat on?"

A teacher once told me that I was wasn't very observant. I think that was his/her problem...

I keep having a hallucination where I'm in a descending lift with a strange object...I think I'm coming down with something.

Just downloaded a platform game for my phone.
Nothing happens for 3 hours then a Virgin express flies past at 90mph.

Saw a mental guy on a bike the other day.
He was a cycle-path!

I think I just saw Damon Albarn on a motorbike.
Not sure, it was a bit of a blur.

Yesterday I had to leave the bookies in my local town after a group of mental patients walked in.
I just didn't like the odds.

What do you call a tightwad Wookiee?
Jewbacca

I pity the man who has to wash nuns clothes.
He's picking up a dirty habit.

I got lost trying to sail round the coast of Alaska.
I couldn't have had the Bering Strait.

For a guy who isn't affected by gravity, I'm pretty down to earth

My wife has the ability to light up any room.
She's an arsonist.