BBC News: Finalist dies at World Sauna event in Finland
Such a shame as he'd done so well in the heats.

The doctor asked if he could examine my metacarpal shaft the other day.
I showed him the back of my hand.

Someone asked me how many haircuts I'd had in my life.
I said, "off the top of my head, about 250."

Today's national non-fiction day.
It's true.

I stole an oven a couple of hours ago.
I'm still waiting for the heat to die down.

Me and my girlfriend broke Up the other day.
Smashing disney dvds is our thing.

Starbucks are going to begin selling branded trousers.
They're starting with Kappa chinos.

A handlebar mustache may look ridiculous, but symmetrical eyelashes are even cilia.

I went up to this girl and said, "Do you come here often?".
She said, "Leave it out, Dad".

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

Steve Jobs is going to be buried, there's a gap for that

An elderly lady asked my friend for his seat on the bus today...
I wouldn't stand for that.

I was raking leaves today.
Then I fell out of the tree.

My girlfriend said she wanted my focus to be on her.
so i parked it on top of her

I said to my Chinese mate "I saw the most beautiful woman when I was in the United Arab Emirates"
He said "Dubai?"
I said "nah, she was too expensive."

The owner of a bar asked me to get him a loudspeaker.
I don't think Brian Blessed is what he had in mind.

I hate writing essays about glue.
I always get stuck.

"Man admits blackmailing Letterman"
Well that's just a pun in itself.

Heading to Dubai and really needed some smokes... my homegrown skunk is far too smelly and bulky.
Looking for a way to extract the essence of it, I shook off the crystals and compressed them into a hard, black block.
What a hash I made of it!

It was a risk hanging my washing out to dry when the forecast was rain.
I put it all on the line.

I did a comedy gig the other week but at 12:00 midnight I stopped telling jokes.
At the end of the day, I'm not being funny.

I love comic books but I never go to the large gatherings with other fans.
I'm very unconventional

My mate beat me at Jenga by cheating.
So I knocked his block off.

I walked past a measuring jug earlier which said '150 centimetres cubed!'
I think it speaks volumes.

I was trying to withdraw some money from a cash point, but the machine kept saying "not valid".
I looked at my card and thought, "This is unacceptable"