I don't think I'll be any good on the firing squad, but I'll give it my best shot.

I was at the market the other day in my nice new striped sweater, but I got lost in a crowd of people.
I looked like a Wally.

For her birthday I took my lesbian friend to a lapdancing club, where I paid for 20 female dancers to rub their privates all over her body.
She was well chuffed.

My wife told me to fix the front door today.
I couldn't handle it.

Solid, Liquid and Gas were at a funeral.
I would make a joke, but there would be no laughing matter.

Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.

I remember the good old days when I used to sit and reminisce

We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to the sounds of '80s synth pop.
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

My boss gave me the axe today.
I've been a Lumberjack for 5 years now, and it only just occurred to him that I require it.

I used to go out with a girl called Arial.
I dumped her. She wasn't my type.

Because of Bob Crow and the RMT, I have heard some say strike action should be banned.
I just think that would drive it underground.

I've just been to watch a dancing fish show.
They were Brill.

My mate said to me "why does your top stink of peppermint!"
I said "oh that's me polo shirt!"

BBC News- UFO identified.
An IFO then.

Those push-up bras don't work. Bought one for my girlfriend, and she can still only manage 10 or so before her arms get tired.

BBC NEWS - Damages for boy after eye removed.
But unfortunately, he'll only ever see half the money.

Glad I ignored that Facebook friend request from Jock Strapp....
turns out he's a nutcase.

I bought a new bike helmet but I don't know how to use it.
The entire concept goes over my head.

Watched the pre-Budget report today.
Coincidentally, my wife's always talking my hard-earned money off me, and I call her 'Darling' too.

I love my new hidden talent..
..Invisibility.

I'm getting no sleep living next to the Slazenger factory.
Such a racket.

I went over to my friend's house, and he told me to treat the house like it was my own.
So I sold it.

I'm going to retire.
If I don't, my car won't get very far.

Don't skim read, you might something.

When you're Russian for a drink, there's no time for Stalin.