In my new post at the recycling plant, I'm melting down all James Brown's vinyl records.
It's a soul destroying job.

Just been in Wookey Hole.
Chewbacca was not amused.

BBC News: ''Finalist dies at World Sauna event''
A shame really he was the hot favorite.

I only have one vice in life
Its in the garage.

I just bought a new reversible jacket, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

I just shaved off my beard that I've being growing for 3 years now, and I feel like a 12 year old boy.
Anyone know where I can find one?

Most guys don't understand why having a prostate exam is important, but usually they get it in the end.

I forgot to meet my disabled friend at the cinema last night.
It was the first time he's ever been stood up.

The path between my house and my neighbour's house is full of rubbish.
Litter alley.

I love being best friends with a calculator
I can always count on him

"Warburtons factory closed by fire"
Must've been baking in there!

I love spooning my girlfriend.
"Here comes the airplane!" I always say.

I like my women like I like my shampoo
Nice 'n' Easy

I'll tell you something that'll warm the heart.
Electrically heated lungs.

I met a Chinese gymnast who would cartwheel around the bedroom, backflip onto the bed, take her knickers of mid-air and then land, legs open, in front of me on the bed
It was a cunning stunt

Contact lenses are easy to lose, so keep your eyes on them.

My mate gave me some really good advice on how to pick up women today.
"You have to flip her over so she's face down, then you put your arm under her stomach and lift," he said.

I went fly tipping last night.
God knows what they'll spend their money on.

I've placed an order online with a music shop in Scotland.
I'm looking forward to having my Ayr guitar delivered.

The papers are going on about how this is "The heaviest snowfall in decades" and how "The councils are ill-prepared" etc
No grit, Sherlock.

After putting on weight, I lost my job as a Disneyland Donald Duck.
I didn't fit the bill.

I've noticed that chess players always close doors behind them. It must be cause they don't like draughts...

I'm so cold I can't tell which of my digits is number.

My grandma said to me the other day "what would i do without my soaps?"
You would smell, grandma.

I realise now the secret to comedy is timing...
I should have waited for that black guy to leave the room before I started the joke