I've had to leave my girlfriend because of her obsession with Daniel Craig.
It's a shame... There was a bond between us.

How many nihilists does it take to sharpen a pencil?
One, but there's still no point.

I used to think that my girlfriend was a rational woman, but since she insisted on fitting UV bulbs in every room in the house, I've seen her in a whole new light.

Apparently the best christmas present this year is a broken drum kit.
You can't beat it.

My mate bought a gossipy parrot, which I think says a lot about him.

Who wears his guns and holster just below his shoulders?
Billy the flid

My wife was brought home by the police today, having just been fined by them.
Gutted.
Oh, wait, it isn't spelled fined... it's found.

The other day my Nan asked me to be a dear and make her a cup of tea...
So I put on a pair of antlers and got hit by a car
and then I made tea.

Sikhs can now save on electricity bills and help save the environment.
Just by converting to a wind turban.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I could do with a fizzy drink.
I've been drinking lemonade for 5 days flat.

The wife told me her mother's got a stomach ulcer. I laughed and said
"What...you mean there's a boil in the bag?"

I've just started a new job in a restaurant and last night I was waiting on tables outside for four hours.
Eventually it opened and I could start my shift.

What's the worst thing about about a broken calculator in an algebra exam?
You do the maths

I know a woman called Sue Tickle who works in our local chemist.
We call her farmer.

I have no time for impatient people

My mate made a bet with me that I couldn't make a joke about a flower.
But I rose to the challenge.

I went on ratemypoo.com and entered my login.

A secret report detailing a vegetable 'superfood' has been obtained from No 10.
Opposition claim it's a government leek.

DFS Sale: 'Don't Pay Any Interest'.
Ok then I won't, when I need a new sofa I'll just walk past without looking.

I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.
Must be going through a tough period in her life.

My mate told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn't remotely funny.

It's a little known fact that women have more hair than men... On the whole.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

I just strangled a Mime...
with a cordless phone!