My wife took her knickers off and an insect flew out.
It must be that time of the moth.

I went to school to become a wit. I only got halfway through though.

I downloaded Iron man the other day, it took so long I ended up watching Rust man.

I got on a train in Spain and saw a bunch of footballers standing around
It must have been Rail Madrid

My best mate has taken his girlfriend to Paris to propose at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Two other mates are currently climbing Mount Everest, and one of my work mates has recently got a job in the restaurant on the top floor of the Empire State Building.
I have friends in high places.

I had my 10th anniversary at work today, I breed horses.
It's a very stable job.

-1 squared.
Keepin' it real.

Since the recession there have been many people layed off from work in the roofing business. I am willing to employ as many of them as possible in my factories in hope of saving them from being out on the streets.
Up to now I have 115 names on my shinglers list.

I think the rebels in Libya can eventually overthrow the government if they stick to their guns.

I just met a guy earlier who boasted that he invented the chef hat.
I thought he was a bit big headed to be honest.

I got a new job at a Chinese restaurant. It's dog eat dog!

If people hate them so much then how come every time I go into the pet store they're always sold out of peeves?

I was in the car the other day preparing for my driving test when a neighbour told to "break a leg" so I ran him over.

BBC News - "Fire crews tackle large blaze at Kent chicken farm"
Investigator suspect fowl play.

I was on Oprah's show , sitting on her couch when she came over and sat on my lap . I felt Opressed.

Why should you never put Tony the tiger in the freezer?
Because he will get Frostie

What do you call an Indian man with diarrhea?
Apu.

I recently saw an advert for a sleep prevention device, thought it was a real eye opener.

I was never much good at wordplay
Which i why i decided to enroll at the Opun university.

Tottenham fans are known as the yids because of their Jewish supporters
Sky sports news: anyone caught saying the word yid at any football game will get a lifetime ban
How yidiotic

I go out with a nice, female, semi-aquatic mammal.
She's my significant otter.

I was going to have some mates round the flat later, so I figured I'd cook a meal. I found a dish that looked promising:
In a pan, heat 1 cup of D until boiling, reduce heat and let simmer. After 5 minutes add 1 Tsp of I and cover for 15 minutes.
In a separate bowl add 1/2 cup of S and 1/2 cup of A, mixing until smooth, adding and additional 1/4 cup of S 2 minutes into mixing.
To the simmering pan add 1 Tsp of T and E...
I stopped reading. "Perhaps I should order take-away" I thought, "This sounds like a recipe for disaster."

One of my reindeer is very unwell.
I'm relieved that scientists say they may have found a cure for Prancer.

I got into a fight with an Irish pub landlord last night.
My girlfriend dumped me for throwing a paddy.

I really cant be a professional pallbearer any longer.
The jobs been getting on top of me.