So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I bought a flea circus yesterday, but one of them won't go on the high wire.
It's a nervous tick.

I stole money from a Dutch holy woman.
She was Nun Der Weiser.

In France they make their omelets with only one egg.
You see, in France one egg is an oeuf

I was completely alone on a boat with nothing but some shrimp and a fishing rod.
I decided I should try to Master Bait.

My uncle slipped on some beans last week.
If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

I saw some nerd walking around with a little '2' floating above his head the other day.
Square...

I never jump on bandwagons.
I climb the steps carefully so as not to damage my trombone.

Why are photographers always so depressed?
Because they always focus on the negatives.

I was recently asked if as a young boy, was my mother very strict with me.
I said, 'let me get one thing straight, my mother was never a young boy.'

I bought "Supermarkets- The videogame".
I was disappointed by the lack of Co-op

I decided this morning to dress up as Gandalf for Halloween, but I can't help but think I left it a bit late to get the costume together.
You just can't get the staff these days.

I went to a party for meteorologists yesterday.
Lovely atmosphere.

My mates call me the horse whisperer, not because I'm good with horses, I've got throat cancer.

I used to have a job operating an elevator. It had its ups and downs...

"My bones are very brittle!" My wife snapped.

I was in bed with this bird last night and she asked if she could cover me in ketchup and lick it all off.
I thought,' That's a bit saucy.'

I hate my internet provider.
It may be Virgin, but it keeps going down on me.

Aim for the stars,but first,aim for their bodyguards

Royal Mail takes ages to come.
Kate Middleton is going to be very sore on her honeymoon.

I loaned my mate Office 2007, but he wanted it kept a secret.
He has my Word.

I want to open a pub and call it the Go-Go-Gadget Arms.

The government bill to ban alcohol was met by a chorus of booze.

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time.
They were real people, i just imagined they were my friends.

What's the best type of bait to take on a fishing weekend?
Jail bait.