"This is my step-dad"
"It's nice son, but why on earth did you build one?"

I hated my job as an origami teacher.
Too much paperwork.

I saw a girl in the distance.
She had horizon me

Need to build an ark to save two of every creature?
I Noah guy

If men get morning wood.....
Do women get morning dew?

What nationality is Mr Sheen?
Polish.

I've been having an affair with a film director's wife.
Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious.
I said to him, "Look, mate, don't make a scene."

Numbers never have been my thirte.

My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Alright fatty."

People think I'm weird because I swallowed an Abacus.
It's what's inside that counts.

So Holly Willoughby has named her new baby Belle.
Bit cheesy if you ask me.

It really bugs me when people use insect puns.

I've decided to give up paedophilia.
No kidding.

I got a herb belt for Christmas.
Complete waist of thyme.

RomeoAndJuliet.docx is a play on word.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

People who have Bluetooth handsets need a clip round the ear.

NatWest have installed the first ever cash machine in a tree in Epping Forest.
If it proves successful, they might open them in other branches.

So, I was working in a library and this bloke comes up to me and says, "Do you have a bookmark?"
I said, "Yes, we have hundreds...but my name's Dave"

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt.....
So, I made a move on her.

"Storm spares Philippines capital"
I thought the X-Men were fictional.

Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

I had a soft drink while catching up on the ironing.
It was soda pressing.

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I'm now the main stake holder.

I work as a waiter.
The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.