I was driving around the industrial estate in my Land Rover and saw a sign on the roundabout advertising a "4 x 4 specialist" so I pulled in.
Apparently, the answer's 16.

My girlfriend wanted perfume & jewellery for her birthday but I got her a chocolate egg & a toy instead.
She was kinder surprised.

My wife started yelling at me because I shaved my head.
I tried to explain it was because my base jumping instructor told me to, but she just said "If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?"

It seems google news feed definitely has a sense of humour given I woke up to this:
"Remains of british tourist found in Lebanon - Yahoo!"

My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny.
It was a cheap shot.

I hate French jokes.
They're crpe.

The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work...
Then it clicked

Let me get this straight.
-----------------------------------
That will do.

To neigh or not to neigh.
That is equestrian.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work?
Remains to be seen

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.
That's a bit far-fetched.

Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

The Sun headline: Air strike planned
Well I hope it doesn't last long, I can't hold my breath for more than 20 seconds.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Hedgehogs: Why can't they share the hedge?

I would make a demoralising, patronising joke about your height, but I'm bigger than that.

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

Kim Jong-un promises a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops, spelt nuclear wrong.

I've just seen a bunch of Mexicans packed into a tiny Ford playing the macarana and eating tortillas.
I think it was a Fiesta.

I just saw Toy Story in 3D...
The guy in 4D asked me to take off my hat.

My wife said she's leaving me because I never make any sense,
and thats why I dont like cricket.