I'm in a band called FAT32.
We don't do more than three gigs at a time.

People at risk may soon get earthquake warning alerts.
Scientists say the new technology is groundbreaking.

"Roberto, what if a Chelsea player misses a penalty?"
"It Juan Mata, we will win anyway."

I killed two Yorkshire terriers today. Fighting the war on terrierism.

There was an archeologist who made no bones about digging dirt up on people.

I was going to have some mates round the flat later, so I figured I'd cook a meal. I found a dish that looked promising:
In a pan, heat 1 cup of D until boiling, reduce heat and let simmer. After 5 minutes add 1 Tsp of I and cover for 15 minutes.
In a separate bowl add 1/2 cup of S and 1/2 cup of A, mixing until smooth, adding and additional 1/4 cup of S 2 minutes into mixing.
To the simmering pan add 1 Tsp of T and E...
I stopped reading. "Perhaps I should order take-away" I thought, "This sounds like a recipe for disaster."

One of my reindeer is very unwell.
I'm relieved that scientists say they may have found a cure for Prancer.

I got into a fight with an Irish pub landlord last night.
My girlfriend dumped me for throwing a paddy.

I slept like a dog last night.
Rough.

After my daughter was caught shoplifting, I put her on the straight and narrow.
She's getting pretty good at tightrope walking now.

I really cant be a professional pallbearer any longer.
The jobs been getting on top of me.

Four-time Olympic skiing gold medallist Matti Nykanen has been arrested on suspicion of attempting to murder his wife. Looks like their marriage has gone downhill.

I support local builders.
I guess many would say that becoming a human ladder was an unusual career choice.

My license got suspended.
That's the last time I leave it in a bowl of heterogeneous fluid.

Just got overtaken by a McVities lorry...
That takes the biscuit.

I was going to be a pilot, but my career never really took off.

This new film Contagion comes out soon.
I have to say, it's looking pretty sick.

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore

At the moment, I'm working at the clock disposal...
But to be honest, it's a waste of time.

A group of scientists have predicted that a tropical storm is about to strike Israel.
They have decided to call it "Cyclon B".

I've recently taken up rolling my own cigarettes, has anyone got any tips?

I used to work in a hairdresser's just to get the tips.
But i never used to get my cut

I needed a new computer part but the only place that stocked it was on the other side of the country, so I had to go 300 miles in my Dodge RAM.
It was a hard drive.

I always fall for trap doors.

I'm going on a rampage at the deed poll office tomorrow.
I'll definitely be making a name for myself!