I need to get myself a watch, but I haven't got the time

I had a dream the other night that I was walking in the dark and I fell in the sea off the coast of Calais.
It must have been a night-mer.

my entire computer has just been wiped :O
it hasn't looked this clean in years

I worked as a mail-man in Kathmandu for 3 years. I've never been the same since I came home I think I'm suffering from post Nepal depression

I was thinkng of underpaying on the bus this morning with a load of change, but then I thought its not fare...

A light bulb tried to start a fight with me, so I resisted it.
It got Ohmed!
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Sorry, my jokes are really ammeter.

I was asked to create a physical representation of a present singular first person verb meaning 'to perform an action', but I was only given two rings of plasticine.
I made do.

CAUTION DYSLEXICS: Cillit Bang is NOT some kind of magical lube

Finishing a book is one of the best feelings ever. End of story.

My wife left me because I have "no imagination"
I can't imagine what life will be like without her.

I was watching this medical show where they said people with far too much metal in their diet often have a poor vocabulary and struggle to use abstract terms in the correct context.
"How interesting," I thought, as I ate another iron magnet.
It tasted irony.

I bought a really cheap spinnaker for my yacht.
It was on the sail rail.

Never take your nasal decongestant to the capital of Iceland.
It'll wreck your Vick.

I told my mate I could swallow any stone.
He then challenged me to a jewel.

Superman is taking a midnight stroll past a church when a priest runs down the steps. "Superman, Can you help me move some old coffins up some stairs"? he asks. "Are you crazy"? shouts Superman. "I can't go in the crypt tonight"!

I was thinking of punching my waiter in the face after he spilled tomato ketchup on my new shirt
but in Heinzesight it wasn't the best idea

Due to cutbacks, the Government has announced the UK will only be entering one contestant in the synchronised swimming event at the 2012 Olympics.
How can anyone sync solo?

I have decided to put my dog down...
My arms were starting to ache

I was in the pub when this bloke asked me if i wanted to buy some steroids... I said no thanks...my stairs are strong enough already

I was playing chess with my mate earlier when he moved his Castle right in the path of my Queen.
Bit of a Rookie error.

I was feeling miserable at work when my secretary gave me a lamp. Certainly brightened up my day.

Through no fault of his own, my uncle drove his car into a lemon tree, he's still bitter and twisted!

Did you hear about the poor testicular surgeon?
He got the sack.

I made up a joke about boomerangs earlier......I can't seem to remember it now......no, wait it's coming back to me

Saw a disabled kid at the fair today, he was having a wheelie good time