I'm just watching the fourth Britains got talent semi final.
I can't wait to watch the three finals and see who the twelve winners are.

I started my new job in a unit that deals with people who suffer with Aspbergers Syndrome and Autism..
I asked the manager who the people were in the corner working at computers.
She told me that they were all editing jokes on this website.

For me, losing is not an option.
Unless of course, I'm being realistic about my abilities.

My friend said to me yesterday 'you understand sarcasm really well'
I didn't think i did, but maybe i'm wrong.

Whenever the Tax office write to you, they always use brown envelopes.
It's like they know what you're going to do with it.

BBC News: Nine held over global iPhone scam.
You mean the board of directors at Apple?

It disturbs me how people say "you'll need a box of tissues" for the new toy story film.

I walked into Starbucks earlier to get myself a black coffee.
"Instant?" he asked...
"No, could I wait for half an hour please!"

I came from a very poor family of five children.We all used to sleep in the same bed.
In fact,I never slept alone until I got married.

BBC News : "Inquiry After Balloon Collides With House"
I got such a fright, I dropped a feather on my toe.

Okay, I've figured it out: the more hair Nicholas Cage has, the better the movie.

I joined a dating website and one of the sections was "Describe yourself in 20 words."
I just wrote "Efficient."

My wife giggled when I said, "I've got something for you!"
Her mood turned when I spat in her face and said, "Contempt".

I think I've found the perfect job for my wife.
Working at a centre for the deaf.

It's lucky I checked my facebook,
I was just about to go outside in my vest & pants,

Wheelchair basket-baller breaks leg.
Well that must have hurt.

My mate just rung me and said, "Is anything going on tonight?"
I said, "Yes. Street lights."

I thought you had to be smart to be a doctor,
if I'd known you could make a career out of shrugs and 'dunno' I would be a lot richer right now!

It really annoys me when people say that they are 'as happy as a bunny', so I went out and found this bunny, and hit it with my car... how you feeling now?

For years, evolution theorists have been crossing monkeys with sea water ...
They've eventually come up with the term ..'African-American'

Call me paranoid, but I'm sure something funny is going on in that clown college up the street.

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because whenever we talk I use vocabulary she doesn't understand and I'm very sarcastic.
I said, "I'm not sarcastic, I'm facetious."

Robin hood.
What a legend.

Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: 'Millions, millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it's just black."
As opposed to every other night when the night sky is bright green.

To protest against changes to higher education, Students in England are staging a national day of action.
They're actually going to get out of bed and go to lectures.