What is the most common way to end your life?
Get married.

Peter Kay's comedy reminds me of a time capsule.
15 years on and nothings changed.

For 10 years I suffered from "Locked in syndrome", until I finally found a cure.
Divorce.

My mate Dave has just got back from Poland
"The loneliness nearly killed him"

I just travelled back in time to 1985 and brought a Mars bar, or as they are known in the present day, a 'king size' Mars bar.

Yahoo: "Clegg 'wrestled with conscience' over cuts"
Luckily, his conscience was weak enough to be soundly defeated.

My wife said to me " I love you more than words can say"
"Im sure words-can-say is devasted" I muttered back...

Remember when using the toilet to always flush twice.
Scousers will steal anything.

I love it that a lot of pubs are now putting on 'live DJ's' at the weekends.
I find them so much better than the dead variety.

So, after Robbie Williams, Amy Winehouse and many others, Ricky Hatton is the latest celebrity millionaire to be suffering from depression.
I really do feel sorry for him, how lucky I am to have a totally worry free life.

Discovery channel ad breaks are quite long.There's enough time to make coffee.
That includes the growing of the beans.

Everyone's complaining about 'SOPA', so I tried going on Wikipedia to find out what it is.

If my wife ever spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless!

I was reading through a fashion magazine and one of the pages said, "Winter's coming up, find out what's hot this season!"
I thought, "Radiators."

Virgin Media offer the best customer service, They offer a choice of music you wish to listen to whilst you wait for the next 25 minutes! No other company offers you this!

Statement from Barack obama
The soldier acted alone and in no way shape or form can 1 man represent A countries views or ways of life!
Except bin laden, He represents the whole of the middle east.

My wife said, "That's the last time you'll ever call me fat as I'm walking out on you next time."
I replied, "Darling, you wouldn't really walk out on our kids."
"What kids?" she asked.
"Oh, I thought you were...

Had an interview today where I was asked what my greatest strength was.
Apparently 'only about 80kg' wasn't the answer they were looking for.

Yahoo News:
"10 restaurants where you can watch the stars"
What if it's daytime?

The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man.
She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when your talking?"
Not when your're talking to me it doesn't!

I dont like the idea of this santa guy, he has been sneaking into kids rooms and emptying his sack all over the place for generations and gets credit for it.
I try to finger one baby and ive ''gone too far.''

Fallen soldier 'was a giant among men.' read a news report.
We now have to send oversized squaddies, so U.S. Delta Force can recognize the good guys,
as Army Uniforms vs Pyjamas and Burkas seems a bit complicated for them.

On the way home from My sisters wedding, My girlfriend asked "What was the most emotional part for You".
I replied "When they announced the open bar was closing".

Life without sarcasm would be amazing.

I was telling my mate that I saw a film by Spielburg last night. He said, "Which one?"
I said, "Steven."