Dammit yet another suicide attempt thwarted by the supermarket refusing to sell me more than 2 packs of paracetamol.

Selling my wife: Relatively good condition.
Slightly broken heart.

So Liverpool are at home to Blackpool today and like everyone else, I'm praying the underdogs win ..
So apologies to the vast number of Blackpool fans out there, for that.

"Yes indeed Elephant Man. The cowl over your head with a hat worn on top, is a terrific way of not drawing attention to yourself. Go for it!"

On the way home from My sisters wedding, My girlfriend asked "What was the most emotional part for You".
I replied "When they announced the open bar was closing".

Life without sarcasm would be amazing.

I was telling my mate that I saw a film by Spielburg last night. He said, "Which one?"
I said, "Steven."

My wife wanted an "adult discussion" about my obsession of watching old comedy on Dave.
She said "I want to be civil"
I replied "OK can I be Basil?"

I love it that a lot of pubs are now putting on 'live DJ's' at the weekends.
I find them so much better than the dead variety.

"Did you know you can change your old or unwanted gold for cash with cash4gold.com?!" What kind of moron didn't know that you can sell one of the worlds most valuable precious metals before this advert was on t.v?

Religion repulses me and I do everything possible to ensure the feeling is mutual.

Religion repulses me and I do everything possible to ensure the feeling is mutual.

Did you know that Adele almost featured in the video for 'California Gurls'?
Yeah, a fat girl in a make-believe candy land, that was always gonna end well.

My girlfriend asked me if I find sarcasm funny.
I said, "Oh yes, I find it so hilarious it makes me feel like my sides are about to split with uncontrollable laughter."

Just seen a guy on the news back from the war with both legs missing but has been denied benifits and help from the government.
Couldn't help but think to myself, silly boy, Doesn't he know England only helps immigrants, Muslims and dead beats?

2009 For Kids:
This fat piggy crashed the market,
This fat piggy gave us flu,
This fat piggy piggy got a bonus,
And the general public got none.
And this fat piggy went 'wee wee wee' as he claimed expenses on his second home.

A hacker has been targeting internet users on the Isle of Man, telephoning them and attempting to gain control of their computers.
Police have warned them both to be careful.

I'm just off to watch the 2nd half of Rugby between Chelsea and Blackpool.

Teaching women to drive is a bit like teaching monkeys how to use shot guns...
It will all end in chaos.

I didn't get the job with the Council Racial Equalities Department.
Because 'Being a white person' makes me unable to relate to racial inequality issues.

Yo Mamma jokes, what's so funny about that? I'm sure an American would not find them at all funny if we translated them to proper English ...
'Your Mother is extremely overweight, because one possibly eats too much'

What's big, grey and can't climb a tree?
A carpark

MP Sir Menzies Campbell said: "This tragic accident is yet another reminder of the risks which our service men and women have to face every day."
Shouldn't we be reminding the pilots not to be aiming for hills?

When I take a long time, I'm slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When I can't finish it, I'm lazy.
When my boss can't finish it, he's too busy.
When I do something without being told, I'm hasty.
When my boss does something without being told, he's using his initiative.
When I please my boss, I am crawling.
When my boss pleases the chairman, he's co-operating.
When I use someone else's idea, I'm stealing.
When my boss uses someone else's idea, he's researching.
When I make a mistake, it's because I'm stupid.
When my boss makes a mistake, it's because he's only human.
When I'm right, my boss never remembers.
When I'm wrong, my boss never forgets.

I feel so sorry for the parents of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman.
I mean, having your daughter brutally murdered in a school caretaker's bathroom is one thing. But I don't know how they'll ever find the strength to come to terms with finding out that a journalist has listened to their voicemail.