"I was alive when Sunny D and Busted were the shizz"
I wasn't aware you were dead.

I can see why Americans find our football boring compared to there's. I mean, it really sucks not having the match stop every 5 minutes for 10 minutes of adverts.

I just finished watching Clint Eastwood's 'Invictus'. I love films about real life events because you learn whilst enjoying the movie.
For example, I never knew that Nelson Mandela was personally responsible for the South African's rugby world cup win.

"Jackson fans gather at 02 Arena" - does anyone read the papers nowadays?

Don't worry, Summer will soon be here, I think it will fall on a Wednesday this year.

Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting stupid.

Let's all play the "I think I've seen Maddie game"....
Because the Elvis version is old and boring

Sarcasm - The ability to insult idiots without them realizing.

I like to whistle when I'm bored.
Tends to make church more interesting.

No new jokes in the last half hour, what happened, did someone cure death?

I went into my local bank today and said to the blonde clerk,
'How much is 500 euros in sterling?'
'The same as it's worth anywhere else in the U.K ' She replied.

I've just been watching Michael McIntyres Comedy Roadshow and can't help but think that he and his guests must be psychic - they seem to know all of tomorrows Top Jokes before they've even been posted!

George W Bush has said in his memoirs that Kanye West accusing him of being racist after hurricane Katrina was his worst moment as president of America.
I'm sure that was awful for you George, Just thank god nothing worse than that happened, like for example terrorists flying planes into buildings killing thousands, that would have been awful.

My mate just asked, "Have you ever ridden in a hot air balloon?"
I said, "No, I'd rather ride in the basket underneath, it's much safer!"

PCSO is an anagram of COPS.
Which ironically, is about as close as they will get to becoming one.

If a fortune teller was any good, wouldn't they have "SPOILER ALERT" on the door before you went in?

They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in '72.

I have an idea for filling up those empty seats at the Olympics.
Why not fill them up with people who want to see the events... a radical concept I know but sometimes you have to think outside the box.

Translation between Haynes service manual and real world #2
Haynes: Idler pulley should come off by hand or may be pryed gently with two screwdrivers.
Real world: Idler pulley should come off when pryed savagely with a 3 foot crowbar, or alternately when beaten severely out of shape with a 20oz claw hammer.

I love this web site. It's done more harm to Anglo/USA relations than Gordon Brown could ever dream of. Wouldn't it be funny if the UK was at war with the US ? After we won I guess the yanks would say they won and they helped us out in the process.

Manager: Remember, there's no I in team ...
Employee: Yeah and there's no F in point.

Christ alive it's Easter Sunday!!!

Facebook: Because the best cure for boredom is telling the world how bored you are...

Ricky Gervais is in trouble for calling downs syndrome people a 'mong' on twitter....
I suppose no one is used to him actually saying something funny.

Right, I'm off out lads. If anyone looks at me in the wrong way on my travels, I'm going to crack them with a few uppercuts..out of self defence like. Oh, and if they're not playing my favourite track in the shop, I might crack the till girl in the face as well. No worries though, it's perfectly acceptable behaviour apparently...