Sky Sports News Channel is changing its name to Daily Sport News.
That way, no one will be in any doubt what the channel is actually for.

A 14 year old girl has died after having a cervical caner jab.
Well it worked didn't it?

I see that a new "scientific report" is informing us that there's a new type of fat we need to be aware of the dangers of. Apparently, most people have never heard of it, don't know it's there, and you can't see or feel it. This report has been produced by GlaxoSmithKline, who, quite coincidentally, have just launched a new drug to combat precisely this fat.
Based on this, I was wondering if anyone would like to buy my range of magic talismans that absolutely guarantee you from being attacked by sharks whilst asleep in bed?

I sit here, on this site, day...after day...after day
And I still do not want any tickets to see the Sonisphere Festival

FOOTLOOSE- Kevin Bacon plays a teenager who moves from Chicao to a small town where rock music and dancing is banned
So he sticks two fingers up at the establishment... By dancing like a fairy in an abandoned warehouse.
What a rebel

My girlfriend asked me if I could discribe her using only one word,
"Thats easy" I said
"Well what is it?" she replied
"I already told you" was apparently not an appropriate response.

Sky News -
'20,000 Reward To Catch Woodland Killer'
Has anyone checked the Woodland?

If Carlsberg actually did 'something,' then that would be brilliant.

Besides my birthday and christmas day,this is the one day of the year I look forward to the most.
British summer time.

Walkers must have a free secret give away on, I've just opened a bag a found a crisp!

France declared war on al Qaida yesterday.
Thank God, for someone needed to teach the terrorists how to surrender.

The Flamethrower.
Because at some point in time one man stood before another man and thought 'You know, I'm just not close enough set him on fire.'

Last month I applied for a job at Royal mail as a postman, although I forgot to post my apllication form...
Long story short, I start Monday.

Tina Turner : "who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"
Going by your logic Tina, we don't need arms or legs.

I'm planning to spend the whole of next week camping out in the grounds of a cathedral with some mates.
We're going to smoke a few joints, drink flasks of tea, sing a few songs and just hang out.
If that doesn't smash Western capitalism and bring down the fat cat bankers then I don't know what will.

So MTV have organised a concert in aid of climate change. Sounds like a good idea.
Except:
those rock stars they booked have to fly to the gig on their private jets,
people have to travel via car/plane/boat to get there and then leave their rubbish when it finishes,
all those lights from the stage, producing light pollution and using electricity
everyone who didn't buy a ticket will watch the event from their homes, on their energy consuming tvs
Other than that well done MTV...well done.

My wife's constantly making sarcastic comments about my receding hairline.
It's starting to wear a little thin.

Semicolons should be banned; no-one knows when to use them anyway.

Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine announced they have found a cure for baldness in mice. This is great news. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a mouse with a comb-over.

"Australian dies after planking fall."
Clearly he didn't quite grasp the notion of lying still.

Came home from work to find the wife disappearing upstairs dressed only in black stockings and a bra.
I thought this could be the night, and sure enough, ten minutes later she appeared dressed in a womens police officers uniform complete with truncheon and handcuffs.
My excitement reached fever pitch and just when I thought it couldn't get any better, she muttered the following words that really pushed me to the edge.
"Bye darling, I'm off to work now, see you later"
Yes, the whole house to myself for the evening.

BBC News:
Expert says "High tackles and scrums should be banned from Rugby"
If they are an "Expert" they will know that high tackles are banned!!

Dictionary definition of fragile;
easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail.
Royal Mail definition of fragile;
Break gently.

There was a fire in our main Inland Revenue office today.
Sadly it was put out before any serious good was done.

Liverpool have a great scouting system don't they? They scout the whole of Brazil (a country with 200,000,000 people), and they managed to find Lucas.