I was extremely shocked when I heard about Sickipedia's shameful mention in the Guinness Book of World Records.
I didn't even know there was a record for "Highest Database Latency".

Everyone moans about women drivers but my nan has been driving for 50 years now and she's never had a accident.
Although she has seen hundreds

I won a prize draw for a free tank of petrol.
I told them I'd prefer 1,000 cash.

London 2012:
Because terrorists need provoking.

So the firefighters are going on strike.
Nothing like a few houses full of burning children to drum up a bit of support.

Sky News : 'Apple Will Launch iPad Mini by Christmas'.
Is that not just an iPod touch?

My shrink told me I had an avoidance personality disorder,
I stopped seeing her.

What do Joe McElderry, Steve Brookstein and Paul Potts have in common?
Who?

Why is it when people see you smoking they come up to you and ask if you have a lighter?
How else do they think I lit it, with my superman heat vision?

"Farmer wants a wife"
Yeah, and by the looks of things, channel 5 don't want viewers.

Chris Moyles is leaving radio 1? In terms of sad days for me, this is right up there with the death of Jade Goody.

I was at the shopping centre today, when a woman with a clipboard stopped me and asked where I get my electricity from at the moment.
I told her I'm pretty sure it comes into my house through some kind of wire.

Phew, that's a relief
The timer almost ran out on my chance to win a free laptop.
It's like they know that my current one keeps collecting viruses...

BBC News - First BBC television weatherman George Cowling dies.
Bet he didn't predict that.

Hmm... I really Like Stella and reckon she'll be good in my company.
But, I also really like Chris, he's very smart and could fit in well in my company.
Theres only one way to solve this....
A big television show that will make the BBC millions but have absolutely nothing to do with business.

I just saw a Facebook group called "Glasgows finest."
Apparently, even our finest don't have a firm grasp of proper punctuation.

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation

BBC News: Man loses arm while on holiday in Greece
Bit careless of him.

'Hundreds of people with serious injuries die due to poor care'
No they don't. They die due to the fact they have a serious injury.

The Fosters advert shows Brits asking two Aussies for social advice.
Surely that's like asking a homeless person for advice about mortgages.

I've just been reading about that child who died in a tumble dryer and I couldn't even imagine how his parents must feel... To have something they love so carelessly and pointlessly destroyed, especially when it could so easily have been prevented with a bit of caution and supervision, it's just more than I could ever even begin to contemplate.
But then I remembered the time I left a tenner in my jeans and threw them in the wash

I've just seen a man wearing a top saying, 'Sarcasm is one of the many services I offer'.
So I said 'Nice T-shirt mate.'

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To avoid the oncoming woman driver.

"Ive just switched on the local News and was pleasantly surprised to see that they have a minority news reader as one of the two presenters!"
It makes me proud that the West Midlands is leading the way in pushing them to the forefront so good luck to the white guy,

The Sims: For when life just isn't boring enough.