Guy Ritchie has described ex-wife Madonna as "a perfectly good screen actress".
He also thinks Andiry Voronin is a perfectly good footballer and Gerry McCann is a perfectly good father.

Now that I'm a 31 year old man, I've found that one of my greatest pleasures in life, is seeing women, either ex girlfriends or girls I was infatuated with years ago, who have now turned into fat hideous beasts.

Is there something about suffering a bereavement that makes you lose your ability to spell?

Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir has been accused of dancing on Steven Gatelys grave for money.
What a mug, after today well all be able to dance on his grave for free.

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names"
Just in case you want to add them on Facebook.

My mate said, "Imagine you didn't know the word for 'An undetermined or unspecified thing'!"
I thought, "Well... wouldn't that be something!"

Women and flowers are similar.
They have to be attractive until they get fertilised.
It doesn't matter what happens after that.

With comic relief being on iPlayer, I can choose the bits I actually want to watch.
None of it.

So that climb of Joe McElderry ended pretty soon didn't it?

eFax - "Send or Receive Fax's via email"
So that'll be an email then.

The police just pulled me over and said, "Did you know that your brake lights aren't working, sir?"
I said, "I'm sorry, but I was to busy driving on the inside of my car to notice."

Being a woman involves spending half of your time being lost, and the other half, getting there.

Yes, breathing, living, eating, having money, and not dying in a horrible way are some things that I'm really glad about.
That doesn't mean I need to be a fan of them.

My girlfriend just got me a DVD for Christmas, she said to me "I know that you love stand-up comedians and funny people, so I got you the new Andy Parsons DVD..."
After 7 discs and 3 jokes, I finally realised that the stupid cow has a sense of irony.

Nothing turns me on more than the thought of seeing my wife in fishnets...
...Getting dragged along the bottom of the seabed, drowning.

People.
Save time and money by doing things quicker and spending less.

CAUTION: If shower gel gets in your eyes, rinse with water.
So...the same as every other part of my body I get shower gel on then?

Terrorist?
There's an app for that. It's called the 'London Heathrow airport guide'.
Good thinking Heathrow, good thinking.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
And there's me thinking it was a dwarf reading out a Xmas cracker.

You can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter.
Which is great because, when looking for crucial repairs and modifications on a vehicle to which I entrust my life daily, I'd definitely take speed over quality every time.

BBC News - "Black rhino reaches 40th birthday".
I'd like to offer my congratulations to Ashley Cole's mum.

Romanians having to flee their homes due to religous and bigoted intolerance.
I didn't think Belfast was like that.

I was in the pub at closing time with my mate last night, I said "can I borrow your phone please? I need to call a taxi and I've left my mobile at home"
He said "sure, you can use my new iPhone"
Anyway, to cut a long story short, it took me about half an hour to walk home.

I said to my wife over breakfast this morning, "If I was on death row and I had to request a last meal, it would definitely be one of yours."
"Awwww, really?" she smiled.
"Of course," I replied.
"They wouldn't need to bother with the lethal injection then."

Apparently 25 million people in Britain watched the royal wedding,the other 40 million were worshipping in mosques...........................