My mate told me today; "You'll never get a girl if you stay on that computer all the time."
Tell that to my Runescape girlfriend.

Why are the toilets at a petrol pump always shut?
Because if their open, someone might clean them.

According to last week's Sun, we are all going to die on September 10th.
I don't know what's worse, the world ending or people taking the Sun seriously.

Just seen a news presenter asking an astronomer where is the best place to look to see tonights meteor shower..
'Up' surely?

Just expanded my farm with the newly released 22x22 size,
moved round my animals, and my trees to accommodate it all and look way cooler.
Now I just need to get a girlfriend and a job.

MSN News Headline.
"Gardener shot in head has no memory of event."
I'm the same, sometimes I forget where I put my keys, sometimes I forget what day it is, sometimes I forget when I've been shot in the head.
No-one remembers the little details.

My wife was trying on new clothes and asked me "How do I look?".
I told her "You use your eyes like everyone else, you stupid cow!"

After sitting through countless TV adverts, drifting my eyes to cornered internet ads and seeing many articles in the newspaper of efforts to conserve energy to help the world.
Books, now run on electricity.
Nice.

BBC News:
Pilots protest over flying hours
What do they want, the rest of the world to relocate a bit closer to England?

TVGUIDE: 10pm tonight, The Inbetweeners..
Channel: Facebook

I might go and see the Muppets tonight.
Anybody know what time their flight arrives from Milan?

"Clegg: I wanted to 'wring' bankers necks".
Didn't we all Nick.
If only one of us had reached a position of political power, like say, Deputy Prime Minister, then we might have actually been able to do something about it.

George Bush : "Suicide bombers: we are gonna find you - and we're gonna make sure you don't do it again..."

Onions always make me cry for some strange reason.
Most probably because when I was a kid an onion lorry ran over my dog.

Sarcasm.
Yeah, THAT'LL work.

I just bought a new chair and inside was a packet of silica gel. Thank god it had 'do not eat' written on it as I was about to sprinkle it over my chips.

Man with huge nail accidentally fired into his skull by nail gun described as 'lucky' by US doctors.
Yes indeed, lucky him.

The government has announced they will spend 150,000,000 on kitchens to help fight obesity.
Isn't that like opening brothels to help fight promiscuity?

Oh glorious day! Bin Laden has been killed in a secret American CIA operation where no photographic images were taken before burying his body at sea. We can now rest easy knowing that a trustworthy agency in the US of A has told us that a terrorist leader has been killed.

The man who can, does.
The woman who can't, makes extra effort to find fault with the man who can.

No water, no fuel, no England captain, no England manager, and no jobs.
I'd write a letter of complaint if I could afford a stamp.

I'm dreading the weekend, I've got to go to my mother's cremation.
Or Sunday lunch, as she calls it.

So apparently teachers can tell which kids are going to be troublemakers just by looking at their name.
So can I.
Whenever I see Mohammed, Abdul, and Amir, for example, I can tell they aren't gonna be angels.

So, I was working Yesterday and a chap in a wheelchair came into the shop, I was wearing my england shirt.
He said "I dont understand why people wear football shirts when they are not playing football"
I replied "I dont understand why people in Wheelchairs wear running trainers when they can't run"

Me and my girl plan to recreate every position from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.
The excitement is building.