My fat, ugly wife rang the police, "I'm being stalked... I want 24hr protection."
"We'll be there shortly ma'am" they said.
I don't think they took it too seriously though.
Ten minutes later there was a noise outside, she opened the door and found a can of Sure on the mat.

Apparently a fifth of disabled adults say the paralympics are patronising. Ah bless.

I'll tell you who gets a bad press.
Anyone who reads The Sun or Daily Star.

Ive just told the wife I have taken out a hefty life insurance policy.
"Is that to plan for the future?" she enquired.
"Sort of" I replied.
"I thought it was a good idea seeing as you have started cooking lessons"

"Ill only invest in someones future when they have one"
Thanks mum

After all that's gone on I have to say, Dave's "Hug A Hoodie" worked superbly. Best thing to happen since sliced bread as they say.

Apparently the only question you can't answer truthfully is 'are you asleep?'.
I suspect 'are you dead?' is also quite a tricky one.

Here's an idea for in the future Greggs.Why not put a sticker on your ham salad sandwiches along the lines of :
"May or may not contain traces of ham"

"It's amazing how much a man changes when he's trying to impress a lady" my wife said.
"True" I replied "but if I knew what you'd turn out like after I married you I wouldn't have bothered with clean underwear or socks!"

Have you heard of the new game African children have started playing?
''Where's Kony?''

The UK, the driving force behind the Industrial Revolouton, inventor of vast medicines such as Penicillin, winner of the world cup, conqueror of Napoleon and Hitler, the heart and soul behind the period of exploration, and our Eurovision song is more queer than the host, Graham Norton, and has the charisma of peanut. Rule Brittania.

Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in a jail that is run by a Lesbian gang.
A former inmate of LA's Century Detention Facility said "She'll have to watch her back."
Errr......... No........ I don't think its her back thats likely to get the most attention.....

picking up paper with scissors, thats something they wont teach you in physics.

Trying to find a virgin is like looking for a white g string

If I had a pound for every time I blink in a day, Id probably have enough for a tank of petrol.

I've just brought my mate a 10 B&Q gift card...
You never know when you might need a broom and three screws.

Just driven past a garage and saw a sign that read "cars bought for cash"
Shame that, all I want is a couple of magic beans for mine

I was sitting relaxing watching TV when my mate asked, "If you could do it all over again. Would you do anything different?"
"Yes."
"Really? Which part? What would you change?" He asked excitedly
"My answer to No."

The church of England showed today they really care, asking people to pray for the situation in East Africa,maybe if they sent the four million pounds they have in shares in news international,just might work better.

Sky Sports News: Haye lost because of a broken toe.
Fair play to him; I once broke a toe and I couldnt punch for weeks...

I've never really got why people congratulate me on my birthday.
It's basically saying "Well done! You've managed to make it another year without dying!"
Thanks.

Tesco: 'Try Our New Handmade Sandwiches Today'.
As opposed to the other sandwiches which they made with their feet.

If Rebecca Black had released her song today, on a Friday, we would have just laughed it off and say it was an April fool.

My fridge has broken down and the engineer cannot come out until next week due to the freezing weather conditions outside.
Great, warm beer all Christmas for me.

Great Almond Street. Apparently there's a big nut-house there...