So the arson attack that killed 6 children in Derby was started using petrol.
Surely there was a cheaper alternative like throwing gold bullion through the windows.

How can you tell if a man suffers from low self esteem and has no sense of self worth?
He's a house husband.

I don't need to use Sickidates to find Mrs Wrong.
I'm already married.

"Ill only invest in someones future when they have one"
Thanks mum

After all that's gone on I have to say, Dave's "Hug A Hoodie" worked superbly. Best thing to happen since sliced bread as they say.

Apparently the only question you can't answer truthfully is 'are you asleep?'.
I suspect 'are you dead?' is also quite a tricky one.

Here's an idea for in the future Greggs.Why not put a sticker on your ham salad sandwiches along the lines of :
"May or may not contain traces of ham"

"It's amazing how much a man changes when he's trying to impress a lady" my wife said.
"True" I replied "but if I knew what you'd turn out like after I married you I wouldn't have bothered with clean underwear or socks!"

Have you heard of the new game African children have started playing?
''Where's Kony?''

The UK, the driving force behind the Industrial Revolouton, inventor of vast medicines such as Penicillin, winner of the world cup, conqueror of Napoleon and Hitler, the heart and soul behind the period of exploration, and our Eurovision song is more queer than the host, Graham Norton, and has the charisma of peanut. Rule Brittania.

Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in a jail that is run by a Lesbian gang.
A former inmate of LA's Century Detention Facility said "She'll have to watch her back."
Errr......... No........ I don't think its her back thats likely to get the most attention.....

picking up paper with scissors, thats something they wont teach you in physics.

Trying to find a virgin is like looking for a white g string

If I had a pound for every time I blink in a day, Id probably have enough for a tank of petrol.

I've just brought my mate a 10 B&Q gift card...
You never know when you might need a broom and three screws.

I was sitting relaxing watching TV when my mate asked, "If you could do it all over again. Would you do anything different?"
"Yes."
"Really? Which part? What would you change?" He asked excitedly
"My answer to No."

Just driven past a garage and saw a sign that read "cars bought for cash"
Shame that, all I want is a couple of magic beans for mine

Great Almond Street. Apparently there's a big nut-house there...

GCSE MATHS QUESTION 2010
Ted walks into to JJB to buy some trainers. After choosing some trainers from the small selection of shoes he is offered help by a shop worker. The shop worker then disappear out the back for half an hour looking for the shoes. After several times of the shop worker bringing back the wrong size Ted finally gets his shoes. How many pairs of pointless extra laces will he be offered before he can leave the shop?

Thank god for the 'Playstation Move'. I've been waiting for a remote which gives users the opportunity to control a game through physical movement. I wonder where the idea came from?

My fridge has broken down and the engineer cannot come out until next week due to the freezing weather conditions outside.
Great, warm beer all Christmas for me.

Ive just told the wife I have taken out a hefty life insurance policy.
"Is that to plan for the future?" she enquired.
"Sort of" I replied.
"I thought it was a good idea seeing as you have started cooking lessons"

If Rebecca Black had released her song today, on a Friday, we would have just laughed it off and say it was an April fool.

Tesco: 'Try Our New Handmade Sandwiches Today'.
As opposed to the other sandwiches which they made with their feet.

I've never really got why people congratulate me on my birthday.
It's basically saying "Well done! You've managed to make it another year without dying!"
Thanks.