The church of England showed today they really care, asking people to pray for the situation in East Africa,maybe if they sent the four million pounds they have in shares in news international,just might work better.

I was sitting relaxing watching TV when my mate asked, "If you could do it all over again. Would you do anything different?"
"Yes."
"Really? Which part? What would you change?" He asked excitedly
"My answer to No."

My mate said to me this morning, "Shall we go fishing after dark?"
I said, "why don't we go now while it's day light, It'll save waiting till tomorrow."

"Opportunity" and "crisis" share the same word in Chinese.
Which helps explain their involvement with so many African nations.

My wife says she's leaving me because I'm sarcastic.
I said, "That's fantastic now I can post a style of joke that's never been done before."

Now over to ITV for the Formula 1 Highlights -
- The races starts,
- Vettel wins.

A civil servant goes to see the department head.
"Why do you want a transfer now?" asks the department head. "You've been in the same job in the same office for 39 years!"
"I'm not sure," says the civil servant, "I think it's that wild and restless gypsy blood in me."

Submitting a joke here is like making a baby.
You fire about 300,000,000 of your little fellas, but only one gets through every few years.

I just looked up "Retweet" in the dictionary and was quite surprised.
It doesn't mean attention seeker.

I told my mum I've been cycling into work for a couple of years now
she said 'you wanna be careful on those main roads'
wow, she's opened my eyes to a whole new world of safety and caution.

I had a row with my girlfriend down the pub last night and ended up chucking my drink over her.
Thank god I was only drinking Carling.

A ginger with friends?
Yes Chesney, you really are 'The One And Only'.

Well my girlfriends pregnant again. She says if she was "big at the front", then it would have been a boy. But because she's "big all round", that means it's a girl.
I said, "So have you been carrying her for the past 10 years then?"

My mate asked me the other day, "What's the most anticlimactic way to end a joke"
I wondered about it for a while before telling him I don't know.

Lily Allen asked fans to "say a little prayer" following her second miscarriage.
Sorry Lily, I don't pray to a God, that if he actually did exist, would allow little babies to die, and rapists to win the lottery after buying one ticket.
So maybe I should, but there you go.

Following the explosion at a factory in Lincolshire where 5 men were killed in what Police have described as an illegal alcohol factory, Police have raided another premises which has been manufacturing a cheap version of Carling.
Police have told the public that they can recognise it by the label of "Fosters"

The RSPCA have released a statement saying the proposed Badger cull would be a "black day for Badgers".
They also said the holocaust was a "difficult time for jews" and that the destruction of the entire human race would be "regrettable".

Daily Mail 'Family of albino Muslims terrorised after one of them marries a Christian man'
That's just disturbingly weird and makes me sick to my stomach, who would want to marry a Christian?

The wife suggested we go for a night out somewhere because we haven't been out for ages. She said "How about going to the dogs one night?".
I said "Good idea, but I don't really want to spend an evening round your mothers."

I bought a baseball cap today, but every time i put it on my head it rolls off.

I'd just been out birthday shopping and was sitting on the crowded bus home, when this little old lady asked me if I mind giving up my seat for her.
I looked at her miserable face and heavy shopping bags, and said "Yes, I do."
"Alright then," she replied, "Just don't expect any christmas presents off me and your grandfather this year,".

Hearing rumours of retaliation for attack on Fortnum and Mason: a mob of tweed clad old Etonians vandalise a Lidl in Slough.

"Jo Yeates' body was missing sock."
And, more importantly, a pulse.

Pizza Hut Double Pepperoni: Because three slices of pepperoni would just be overkill.

Sleepless nights, cold sweats, panic attacks and flashbacks are destroying my life ever since my accident.......or wedding as some call it.