I'd just been out birthday shopping and was sitting on the crowded bus home, when this little old lady asked me if I mind giving up my seat for her.
I looked at her miserable face and heavy shopping bags, and said "Yes, I do."
"Alright then," she replied, "Just don't expect any christmas presents off me and your grandfather this year,".

I bought a baseball cap today, but every time i put it on my head it rolls off.

The wife suggested we go for a night out somewhere because we haven't been out for ages. She said "How about going to the dogs one night?".
I said "Good idea, but I don't really want to spend an evening round your mothers."

The RSPCA have released a statement saying the proposed Badger cull would be a "black day for Badgers".
They also said the holocaust was a "difficult time for jews" and that the destruction of the entire human race would be "regrettable".

Daily Mail 'Family of albino Muslims terrorised after one of them marries a Christian man'
That's just disturbingly weird and makes me sick to my stomach, who would want to marry a Christian?

I walked into the shop I asked, "Have you got a pint of milk please, love?"
"In the carton?" She asked.
I said, "No,no, just tip it in my hands."

I was in the pub last night and I walked up to the barman and said "Vodka please mate"
He said "How would you like it?"
I said "Give it to me straight"
He said "You're fat and ugly"

Don't worry, I'll always be behind you 100%.
Because if anything happens, it will happen to you first.

Asian Convenience Store Owners:
Maybe there are still racial stereotypes and hatred towards you because you choose to waffle down the phone in urdu when English customers come in, don't stop your conversation and be as rude as possible in your sweat stinking overpriced shop. Just a thought.

No, I said I was fully trained in SECOND aid....
Which means I can give you looks of concern until someone that knows first aid gets here.

Rumours...
Well at least you're spreading something else beside your legs.

Even my Blackberry battery lasts longer than a relationships these days.

The cashier at Costco pointed at my zit and said that "proactive worked for her."
I replied that "college worked for me."

Sky News: Young brit in coma after balcony plunge.
That's funny, last week you told us she died?

On my way to work this morning I tripped over some disgusting old wino lying on the pavement.
He demanded an apology.
'Sorry, Dad'

Does anyone actually ever use a Tape Measure to measure tape?

The man who came up with estimation has died....
His funerals due to take place round about Wednesday next week.

Nuromol: "It took our scientists years to create a new unique painkiller combination."
You've mixed paracetamol and ibuprofen. Yea, well done geniuses.

I've got myself into a little bit of debt and so I downloaded my Experian credit report.
It looks depressing but I'm sure paying 8 a month to view the page will get me out of debt quicker than using it towards actually repaying.

I'm not saying the BBC repeats Only Fools and horses often, but the del boy shaped burn in my plasma T.V says otherwise.

I have just told iTunes that I've read and agreed to their Terms Of Service when I actually haven't! I've never felt more alive!!

BBC NEWS - Fire cutbacks 'put lives at risk.'
Oh so that's where I've been going wrong? Next time my chip pan is blazing away,
I'll not waste the local fire stations time, safe in the knowledge I have less chance of dying when the flames are free to burn away.

Maybe burning those poppies wasn't such a bad thing, I haven't seen this much Nationalism since Hitler...

News: The Irish water crisis continues.
Imagine how tragic it would be if the Irish had to start drinking copious amounts of alcohol to deal with their problems.

I self harmed at the weekend.
I got married.