Rumours...
Well at least you're spreading something else beside your legs.

No, I said I was fully trained in SECOND aid....
Which means I can give you looks of concern until someone that knows first aid gets here.

Asian Convenience Store Owners:
Maybe there are still racial stereotypes and hatred towards you because you choose to waffle down the phone in urdu when English customers come in, don't stop your conversation and be as rude as possible in your sweat stinking overpriced shop. Just a thought.

Don't worry, I'll always be behind you 100%.
Because if anything happens, it will happen to you first.

I was in the pub last night and I walked up to the barman and said "Vodka please mate"
He said "How would you like it?"
I said "Give it to me straight"
He said "You're fat and ugly"

I love the Cornetto McFlurry. For so long I've wondered how the Cornetto could possibly be improved and finally McDonald's have provided the answer to my question:
Simply replace the tasty chocolate filled cone with a disposable paper cup. Delicious.

Yahoo News Vietnam: "9 friends die at New Year party"
We all know they're behind the times, but reporting New Year stuff in February is hardly finger-on-the-pulse journalism.

The person who cancels it will be my American Idol.

I was stuck at the checkout in Tesco's today behind some tarty old woman, taking for ever. "Its my birthday today....21" she said to the woman on the checkout.
I said "I thought so"
"Oh! Do you really think I'm that young?" She asked thinking she'd pulled.
"No" I said "you obviously can't count. This is 10 items or fewer"

I don't know whether to like my mates bird.
She's ugly, controlling and worst of all, her voice is annoying.
On the up side. every time I see her, my self esteem rises just that little bit.

I love how you can't tell if people are being sarcastic over the internet.

Warner Brothers have annouced plot details of The Hangover: Part 3. They wake up to find a Gorilla in their hotel room and instead of Doug or Ted missing, the laughs, the fanbase and the audience go missing

Single?
Buy a ship, call it "relation". Then you'll have a relationship.

I heard a rumour that DFS have a Christmas sale on?

My wife asked me ''What do you fancy doing tonight?''.
I replied ''Honestly, Jessica Alba, but I guess I'm stuck with you!''.

Advice from the Met Office:
"If possible stay out of the heat during the middle part of the day; cool yourself down; keep your environment cool and look out for others, especially older people, those living alone and babies and young children."
Talk about stating the obvious!
That's who I normally target.

BBC news today,
American beats world record for hot dog eating.
well well, nearly fell off my chair....

My Boss is leaving work in a few weeks. She asked me am I going to miss her.
I said yeah, just like the Fritzl kids miss their Dad.

There is a real person behind every spastic.
Unless they have an electric wheelchair of course.

Huddersfield town sign Scannell.
WOW! A new bus.

I am starting University in a few weeks time and I was told to get some posters to spice up my room.
I saw an Adele poster that looked great, the only problem is that I don't think it will fit on my wall.

There are three guarantees in life.
Birth.
Death.
England not being able to win a penalty shootout in a major tournament in the quarter finals or beyond.

SKY NEWS FLASH: Top surgeon says `` Gabrielle Gifford is lucky to have a bullet go in one side of the head through the brain and exit above her eye.
Mmm define lucky..

According to a recent survey taken in Scotland, 1 in 10 Scottish kids have been knocked down on the road whilst out playing... Only 1? Has driving standards really got that bad that they've missed so many of them?

"If you're repeating a gag from a comic - always credit it. It's only fair."
In that case, I'd just like to admit that I ate some of Michael McIntyres vomit and it repeated on me.