SKY NEWS FLASH: Top surgeon says `` Gabrielle Gifford is lucky to have a bullet go in one side of the head through the brain and exit above her eye.
Mmm define lucky..

There are three guarantees in life.
Birth.
Death.
England not being able to win a penalty shootout in a major tournament in the quarter finals or beyond.

I am starting University in a few weeks time and I was told to get some posters to spice up my room.
I saw an Adele poster that looked great, the only problem is that I don't think it will fit on my wall.

Huddersfield town sign Scannell.
WOW! A new bus.

Primary School - ABC
Secondary School - CBA
Sixth Form/University - CBF

My mother rang me before and asked, 'Son, im just making sure you have July 24th in your diary?'
'Of course I have, it's a diary.'

I'm lead singer of a group called Bandwagon.
We cover jokes.

The wife just said to me, "Why is it that you always want to do the bare minimum?"
"Do you want me to answer that?" I replied.

My wife just said to me "Just how brainless and heartless can you possibly get?"
I said well "I caught a Jellyfish once".

"15 Year Old High-School Gunman Shoots Himself"
That'll teach all those bullies!

The news this week must be focusing on all those people who live in houses with no doors and windows. If your one of those people and just incase you dont know, its been snowing and everyone is been pathetic about it.

Unlike most men I can see beyond a womans personality and can fancy her on looks alone...

The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life.
"You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."

13 July. 1985 Live Aid. An amazing concert, an incredible achievement, finally solving Africa's problems once and for all.

What I lack in experience I make up for in cliches.

My wife said, "I'm just off for a bath."
So I rushed to put my coat on. She said, "Where are you going?"
"To get you a card," I replied. "I didn't realise it was your birthday."

My Dad was just telling me that when he retires, he wants to go somewhere hot that gets loads of sunshine.
So I suggested Mercury.

The stock market.
It's like William Hill for rich people.

Did you go see Sarcasm, the Movie?
No, we just hung round the cinema for two hours.

BBC news: Danny Foster an Ex American marine, is to face the death penalty for killing 5 members of his own soft ball team.
An American soldier killing people on his own side. Who'd have thought?

When an American mates with an Ethiopian the babies come out thick and fast

Reebok,
Sponsoring failed exams since 1895

I love it when people say 'I love it when...' even though they don't.

I went to the chemist's today to pick up my medication.
While I was waiting, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Are you in the queue for prescriptions?"
I replied, "No, I'm standing here for the good of my health."

SKY NEWS: Human Feet Found On Riverbank 'Not Linked'
Well, no, otherwise it would have been a torso...