Unlike most men I can see beyond a womans personality and can fancy her on looks alone...

The news this week must be focusing on all those people who live in houses with no doors and windows. If your one of those people and just incase you dont know, its been snowing and everyone is been pathetic about it.

"15 Year Old High-School Gunman Shoots Himself"
That'll teach all those bullies!

My wife just said to me "Just how brainless and heartless can you possibly get?"
I said well "I caught a Jellyfish once".

The wife just said to me, "Why is it that you always want to do the bare minimum?"
"Do you want me to answer that?" I replied.

I'm lead singer of a group called Bandwagon.
We cover jokes.

My mother rang me before and asked, 'Son, im just making sure you have July 24th in your diary?'
'Of course I have, it's a diary.'

I read an article in today's Sun:
'Reasons to be glad to be living in the current day and age'
One of the reasons was 'Lifespan increases by 5 hours each day'
I'm pretty sure my lifespan increases by 24 hours every day

BBC News : "Inquiry After Balloon Collides With House"
I got such a fright, I dropped a feather on my toe.

I came from a very poor family of five children.We all used to sleep in the same bed.
In fact,I never slept alone until I got married.

I walked into Starbucks earlier to get myself a black coffee.
"Instant?" he asked...
"No, could I wait for half an hour please!"

It disturbs me how people say "you'll need a box of tissues" for the new toy story film.

BBC News: Nine held over global iPhone scam.
You mean the board of directors at Apple?

Whenever the Tax office write to you, they always use brown envelopes.
It's like they know what you're going to do with it.

My friend said to me yesterday 'you understand sarcasm really well'
I didn't think i did, but maybe i'm wrong.

For me, losing is not an option.
Unless of course, I'm being realistic about my abilities.

I started my new job in a unit that deals with people who suffer with Aspbergers Syndrome and Autism..
I asked the manager who the people were in the corner working at computers.
She told me that they were all editing jokes on this website.

I'm just watching the fourth Britains got talent semi final.
I can't wait to watch the three finals and see who the twelve winners are.

My driving instructor just said, "When driving through thick fog, what should you use?"
"A car." I replied

I've never heard of a Dangerou before but apparently there are loads of them at the zoo. Every other cage has a sign saying: 'These animals are Dangerous'.

So according to those annoying little adverts down the side of Facebook, it says i can phone Africa for 10p.
Fantastic, i'll just put that here with all the other useful things i've collected over the years, such as this motorcycle ashtray, and this inflatable dart board.

Me, sarcastic? Never.

Those Americans are dumb.
They have got over 30 different months and only 12 days in each one

People are saying it's serves the English right to be dumped out the World Cup after expecting to do well in it. You'd think they used to rule the world or something.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. I totally believe that.