People say that what you put in is what you get out. These people have obviously never seen the movie Teeth.

I don't get along with my colleagues at simultaneous reading club.
We're just not on the same page.

I used to be lazy, but that all changed when I stepped in a pool of glue
I've been working my socks off ever since.

Funeral processions.
Hats off to 'em.

I asked my friend who he thought would win the next series of University Challenge.
He said ''It's all academic''

My son seems to be hanging out with too many cooks, spoiling broths.
But it's just a phrase he's going through.

I've just returned from a holiday in Ireland.
It wasn't all it was craiced up to be.

I'm thinking of taking my relationship with my girlfriend to the next level. You know, 'tying the knot'.
I'm just not sure if we're ready for S&M yet, though.

When one door closes, another one opens. except in prison.

Oranges and lemons say the bells of St Clements.
Proof, if ever it were needed, that God works in mysterious ways.

If I had a penny for every time I walked past a penny without picking it up, I'd have loads of pennies.

I got arrested shoplifting from ASDA today.
The police wouldn't accept my alibi that all the lemons I stole were given to me by life.

I built my house from the ground up.
I usually find that's the best way to do it.

Whenever I hear people say "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me." I always think
"Sticks?"

A comedian friend of mine insists on visiting Thailand once a year to let off steam and focus on the essence of comedy.
To him, Thai minge is everything.

Confucius say he who seeks a good sandwich should date a girl from subways.

Walking off at half time, Man City's Spanish winger was seen surrounded by team mates moaning & groaning.
Seems that every crowd has a Silva whining.

My girlfriend left me because of all the mental notes I make to myself.
Maybe the one where I shaved the dog and carved 'BUY SOME MILK' into it's back, was a little too far.

I bought my first ever clock the otherday.
I think its about time.

Why do people say stuff is 'the best thing since sliced bread'?
There are plenty things better, and it wouldn't kill us if we had to slice it ourselves would it?

Whenever I get the chance, I give my wife a cuddle, because you know what they say -
"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."

I keep losing my Tom-Tom,which leaves me wondering...

Since I moved to London a couple of weeks ago I've been living life in the fast lane.
It's one he'll of a traffic jam.

I've just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand.

Today cops found all the stolen organs at my work but were still missing a heart.
I finally gave up and said,''Home...Is where the heart is.''