I come from the school of hard knocks.
Why they had a ten inch thick oak door is beyond me.

Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head to my chest and then push with my feet.
Because that's how I roll.

If you only see one film this year, you probably don't like watching films very much.

Im sick and tired of having the flu and insomnia.

Apparently the only question you can't answer truthfully is 'are you asleep?'.
I suspect 'are you dead?' is also quite a tricky one.

How does James Bond like to keep his facial hair?
Shaven not furred.

My wife thinks I'm too old to still care so much for my Lord of the Rings memorabilia.
But you know what they say, it's not easy saying goodbye to old hobbits.

Quiz show host:"For ten thousand pounds,name one of Cuba's biggest export products."
Contestant:"Cigarettes."
Host:"Close but no..Cigar is the answer I was looking for."

I've started spraying hairspray on my moustache.
People always tell me I need a stiff upper lip.

If I had a pound for every time I misunderstood an expression,
I'd have a bird in my bush!

I've started my own business making hula hoops out of steel rods instead of plastic tubes.
It's really hard to make ends meet.

Some random bloke just handed me a piece of masonry.
I thought, "that's a bit off the wall."

I'm getting fed-up with Derren Brown for turning up on site unannounced every day.I don't give a toss if he wants to learn the tricks of the trades.

"bigger is better" no fatty, not in your case.

I like to disprove popular sayings.
Which is why I've nicknamed my wife "stone".

I went to a zoo recently and was horrified that the creatures on show were treated no better than animals

Make no mistake,I can't stand errors.

My wife's narcolepsy completely spoilt our Medditeranean cruise.
Now she's sleeping with the fishes.

Children are to be seen and not heard.
Unless you're singing at the Beijing Olympics.

Wagon wheels aren't getting smaller, it's just that people have got bigger.
Namely my wife.
I blame Wagon wheels.

Oh Cul de sacs.
They take me back.

I'm not a big talker. My girlfriend only has to look in the mirror to know if she's done something wrong...

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Jews will never hurt me.

I walked up to a girl in a nightclub and asked her if she'd like to sit on my face.
She said she wants to sleep on it.

"Out of small acorns grow mighty oaks"
I must have the bonsai variety