Revenge is a dish best served cold
or in other words bachelor food.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm giving up spelling for lunt.

My Grandfather used to say, "The least said the soonest mended."
When my television broke down I decided to follow this advice by ringing the TV repair company and saying nothing.
Two months later my television remains broken and I have heard nothing from the repair company.

Last night for our anniversary my wife was dressed to kill.
She wore a ninja outfit with a real samurai sword.

My wife hasn't said a word since getting attacked at the zoo.
I think the cat must have her tongue.

You know how your mother always used to tell you to "break in new shoes"?
Yeah well, I think the people who rioted in London last month took that term a little loosely.

You are about to read something you may find hard to digest...
Sweetcorn.

Wagon wheels aren't getting smaller, it's just that people have got bigger.
Namely my wife.
I blame Wagon wheels.

Drink driving is likely to make you car less.

My Dad claimed there were only two certainties in life : Death and Taxes.
Strange he should have been killed by a mini-cab.

With all this unrest in Europe I have decided to learn German.
You know what they say 'Third time lucky!!'

I've decided to name my son 'Island' just to prove the saying wrong.

If I had a pound for everytime I said "Why me", I would probably say "Why me" more often.

'...And don't even get me started on statements with no context'

The members of my parish are all aware of the evils of adultery and paedophilia.
I practice what I preach.

There's nowt as queer as folk...
unless you're Louie Spence.

I witnessed a Cyclops and a pirate having a row in a bar.
They just couldn't see eye to eye.

I had an argument with the wife last night that went on for over an hour, so I shot her in the head with my bow and arrow. It was a bit extreme but at least I got my point across.

You need to see the new car I bought as it completely suits me in every way.
It's right up my street.

I'm not into helping people with their luggage at the airport.
It's not my bag.

I was getting chased by the police so decided to head down to the beach and mingle among all the families for a few hours.
I knew if I stayed until at least 10:00PM, the coast would be clear.

Just heard that my psychic mate's grandmother has died.
My thoughts are with him.

My dad used to say "you shouldn't trust anyone..."
I didn't believe him.

I'm so pessimistic I don't even have a cup.