There's nowt as queer as folk...
unless you're Louie Spence.

The members of my parish are all aware of the evils of adultery and paedophilia.
I practice what I preach.

'...And don't even get me started on statements with no context'

If I had a pound for everytime I said "Why me", I would probably say "Why me" more often.

I've decided to name my son 'Island' just to prove the saying wrong.

People say that every dog has its day. How right they are. We got a dog for Christmas, got bored with it and had it put down on Boxing Day.

I've given up trying to explain to my daughter how she could improve her hockey skills.
She always gets the wrong end of the stick.

I'm not part of the clique at my local 'stunt club'.
They always leave me out of the loop.

I got pulled over by a policeman for doing 40 in a 30 zone.
"Sir, I'm afraid that's a 60 fine and 3 points on your licence," he said.
"Oh, for crying out loud!"
"No, for speeding."

When God closes a door, he opens a window, which explains how the robbers gained entry.

was watching monsters inc the other day, then it occured to me. thats where maddie is.

Why doesn't anyone sing 'Happy Birthday' to new-born babies?

My wife loves cake & it's true what they say..
'Love makes the girl go round'

As my dad used to say "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
I told him to just take the car, but he was quite insistent on walking.

I landed myself in hot water with the fit blonde from next door.
Unfortunately, it was when I slipped while peeping through her bathroom skylight.

I'm struggling to find members to join my conspiracy theory society.
Well, you know what they say. Rome wasn't built.

I don't know where these silly old sayings come from.
I mean, I once saw a bowl in a china shop, it wasn't causing any trouble. It was just sitting there.

Revision is impossible. Beat that Adidas.

Time is a great healer.
Well the injuries I received after quoting this on the cancer ward are starting to get better.

Barbers.
You got to take your hat off.

No one likes to be taken for a mug. So I'm going into hospital to have the handle removed from my side, as a precaution.

"Well, he seems to have his heart in the right place"
Is always best heard from a doctor.

My mate gets really turned on when he see's the hull of a ship.
Well, whatever floats your boat.

The line most commonly used by cancer victims:
Hair today, gone tomorrow!

So Barack Obama has Irish heritage.
He just needs to get himself a dog now and he'd be a pub landlord's worst nightmare.