was watching monsters inc the other day, then it occured to me. thats where maddie is.

When God closes a door, he opens a window, which explains how the robbers gained entry.

I got pulled over by a policeman for doing 40 in a 30 zone.
"Sir, I'm afraid that's a 60 fine and 3 points on your licence," he said.
"Oh, for crying out loud!"
"No, for speeding."

I'm not part of the clique at my local 'stunt club'.
They always leave me out of the loop.

I've given up trying to explain to my daughter how she could improve her hockey skills.
She always gets the wrong end of the stick.

Combine Harvesters.
Separating the wheat from the chaff.

My Grandad always used to say, 'Every day above ground is a good day'.
He wasn't an optimist, he was a very depressed coalminer.

If anyone tells you South Africa is a good place to go on holiday, don't believe them..
It's a Durban myth.

The saying "you are what you eat" is used a lot these days so am I right in thinking that if you tried eating a frenchman, you'd give up halfway?

I've just broke two of the knuckles on my righthand.
I really shouldn't hit the bottle.

"People tell me that my personality is divided. I don't think so, but maybe it is."

Surely it is time for the old saying "best thing since sliced bread" to be replaced with "the best thing since in private browsing".

"Church synod allows women bishops "
Puts an all new emphasis on bashing the bishop.

I tried to teach my grandmother how to suck eggs, I gave up when I could not get the lid off her coffin.

Money can't buy you happyness, unless you buy drugs.

An Insomnia patient was describing to me for hours on end all about how the lack of sleep made his brain ache.
I replied, 'Just give it a rest, will you?'

My geography teacher wasn't happy when he caught me smothering his globe with cheese.
You could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

My hairs really stuck up.
That's a private education for you.

They say 'Every hole's a goal', if I was Torres I'd ask for a paternity test.

The key to life is balance, especially if you're on a ledge.

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in, but a pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.

Vampire teenager: ''Dad, if you won't let me go out I'll simply wait for you to fall asleep.''
Vampire dad: ''That'll be the day.''

I have a fetish for watching fat women getting pushed down the stairs.
The bigger they fall, the harder I come.

I got fired from my job at the chicken farm today.
I told my boss that I put 1632 eggs in the incubator.
How was I supposed to know I shouldn't count them?

My mate who works for the RSPCA was telling me about a new scheme that they have set up to counter animal cruelty. Apparently anyone who is cruel to animals is forced to do work for them. Ironic how they killed two birds with one stone like that.