An optimist stays up to see the New Year in, but a pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.

The key to life is balance, especially if you're on a ledge.

They say 'Every hole's a goal', if I was Torres I'd ask for a paternity test.

You know what gets my goat?
The vets van. Billy died earlier today.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

As a kid I never got on with my mother very well
In fact, I made a point of stepping on every crack in the pavement.

My mate is really upset at losing all muscular control of his jaw.
I said, 'Chin up mate'

Life is like eating a box of chocolates.
Hard if you have no arms.

I left my wife at the beauty clinic as I told her I would pay for it as a birthday treat but when I returned I asked the beautician "What's the damage then?'
"Irreparable" She replied

I'm no good with words so decided to "Say It With Flowers" I had a lovely bouquet delivered to my wife at work with a note attached telling her I'd accidentally burnt the house down. Thanks Interflora.

'If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen'.
Is one suggestion I won't be putting into my wife's head.

paedophilia.
talk about swings and roundabouts.

How many roads must a man walk down... before he'll admit that he's lost?

Simon Weston got really upset and started crying when I told him my joke about burns victims.
Guess I must have hit a cooked nerve.

I've just finished teaching my fourteen year old dog how to suck me off...
That kind of blows that old saying up in the air.

I tried to get Margaret Thatcher to have a lesbian fling once...
But she wasn't for turning.

At the end of a recent tour of the Blue Peter studios, the guide said "...and that concludes our tour. I'm off to pick up my wife now, she was the partially sighted cleaner we met."
I said "I don't remember her."
"Sure you do" he said, "she was the one eyed maid earlier."

Third rule of Fight Club. Never repeat yourself.

I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my father.
He gave me a lift to the pub.

To anyone unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel , I say be patient.
And stay out of tunnels.

I always dress to the right.
Bovver boots and a swastika armband.

My father always said honesty is the best policy.
Would explain why he lost his life savings playing poker.

I can tell my wife's running out of excuses to leave me. Earlier she accused me of having a tree obsession.
That old chestnut

"I wasn't born yesterday.."
Said the Miscarriage.

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.