You can't have your cake and eat it.
Because you're a diabetic.

Is it possible to be at the start or in the middle? Or do you always go straight to the end of a tether?

My wife keeps reminding me that her mother "lives just around the corner"
And that she's not "Round the bend"

After my trip to Spain I can safely say I'm now a member of the mile
high club.
On a short trip from one town to another, I hot boxed the tram.

Why do hedgehogs curl up in a ball?
Because that's just the way they roll.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

The time comes when you know you really 'should get out more'. You wake up and suddenly think you'd quite like to grow your own cress.

Who exactly is 'deadly serious' and why is everyone trying to impersonate him?

What's the definition of "Meat 'n' two veg"?
Having a rendevouz with a couple of disabled people.

There's a fine line between creating new words and showing your stupidocity.

I've recently opened a vegetarian restaurant in America.
It's called 'Don't Have a Cow, Man.'

Just been on a tour of an old coal mine. It's the pits.

Last night I saw a circus freak with two mouths.One at the front and the other at the back of his head.
Smiles all round.

They say curiosity killed the cat... but really I think it was my knife that did it.

A fella came to the bar and said," I fancy a large gin and Schweppes, but I don't want to get drunk."
I said, " I've got just the tonic."

Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it as my dad keeps telling me over and over again.

There is no such thing as gravity, the world just sucks.

Postmen always go that extra mile.
Which explains why the mail never arrives on time.

Deep down I'm really shallow.

A fool and his money are often to be found crying into their England shirt in South Africa.

I'm trying to stop saying "That's what she said" after everything my wife says.
It's quite hard.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
And then I'd get really upset as that was meant to be a present for his aquarium.

As my old grandad used to say:
"A person who has never made a mistake has never been married"

Sticks and Stones May Break Her Bones
But Names Will Make Her Starve Herself To Death.

Just bought a brand new bread knife ... it's the best thing since bread.